Articles and poems by Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D., author of 20 books (so far)
My latest book—Living Without the One You Cannot Live Without: Hope and Healing after Loss—is now available in paperback and Kindle at amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.
I have not seen the plays in town only computer printouts I have not read the latest books only the Wall Street Journal I have not heard birds sing this year only the ringing of phones I have not taken a walk anywhere but from the parking lot to my office I have not shared a feeling in years but my thoughts are known to all I have not listened to my own needs but what I want I get I have not shed a tear in ages I have arrived is this where I was going?
This poem was written a quarter of a century ago when I was working fulltime. By last year I felt I had arrived with my husband, living in a retirement community, having nothing left undone or unsaid. Four months ago, my husband died and I’m back in the wilderness trying to morph myself into a single person with no destination in sight.
Published Books of Poetry by Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
This is my first blog—set up by my grandson Eliot—the purpose being sharing my poems and the articles I write every two weeks for local papers.
I’m doing this for fun, kind of let’s see what happens, and also to publicize my eighteenth book, Been There, Done That, Doing it Better written by a formerly young person. So here goes!
My motto:
I’m not OK
you’re not OK
and that’s OK
Here are a couple poems and an article about friendship to start with.
Best Friends
I have some friends I never see
who live thousands of miles away
we were best friends in college
or when our children were small
but now we call each other only
when we have good news
or when we’re unhappy
or just need to reconnect
neither the distance nor the years
seems to matter
we can start right up
where we left off
when there is no other way
good friends should be heard
it they can’t be seen
The Visit
Good friends
coming to stay
for a week
I’m pleased
and I’m not
if I could only say,
“there’s the fridge
help yourselves
I’ll fix my own later”
it would be easy
but instead
I market, cook
set tables, serve
clean up
saying, “no, no, don’t help
I’d really rather do it myself”
when they do help
I can’t find anything afterwards
yet if they don’t
I bang around the kitchen
resenting them
Instrumental Vs. Nurturing Friendships
Most of us have both! Most of us need both! An instrumental friendship is one where the “friend” is used mostly as and instrument, a tool, a way to obtain a desired goal. Being friendly with a superior at work, asking your boss to dinner, making friends with a local politician, socializing with you doctor, inviting your neighbor over, may all fall into the category of “you never know…the friendship could be useful some day!”
The friendships at work might give you visibility or establish a rapport with superiors, which may come in handy at promotion time. Knowing politicians or other people with influence in your community may serve you well in supporting your favorite charity or another undertaking. Getting your doctor to know you as someone more than a medical file number may not result in a priority appointment, but can make one feel as if there could be special care and concern extended. Being friendly with neighbors is equally expedient for that “just in case” time that you may need each other, whether for a cup of sugar or to pick up the newspapers during an absence.
Now, I am not saying that these friendships cannot be “true.” We can be friends with any of the people mentioned without any ulterior motives involved. What I am saying is that so many of us have only these instrumental friendships and are not even aware of the lack of the other kind: the “nurturing friend.”
The nurturing friends are those whose eyes light up when they see us and who love us as we are, not as we ought to be. Nurturing friends are there to listen to our woes, share our successes, and have fun with. They are the ones we go out of our way to help. There is mutual acceptance and support.
We pay attention to our instrumental friendships because we are aware of needing them. We often neglect our nurturing friendships because our emotional needs are less evident. We say we have no time for them when in fact we are not making time for ourselves.
The more successful we are, the less time we have for the kinds of friends who nourished us in our youth. How many of us on this ladder of success still take the time for heart-to-heart talks, for afternoons or evenings of just having fun together with an old friend? This becomes increasingly difficult as we make more money, travel more, have a higher status, or more visibility than does the old pal we grew up with.
We worry whether our friend might be envious or feel uncomfortable with our newly acquired position. If that is the case, there are several things you can do. The first and most important is “time.” It doesn’t have to be long or frequent, but some time together to keep abreast of each other’s feeling, thoughts, and activities is critical. If you’re the wealthier one, don’t make the mistake of always picking up the check; take turns. Pick a place to meet that your friend can also afford.
When you get together be careful to not only talk of your career, inquire about his or hers and give encouragement if necessary. If it is your friend who is the more successful one, express interest and pleasure for the accomplishments. It is important to reassure friends that you can be happy for them even though you may wish you had the same breaks.
Envy is a very human emotion. The dictionary defines it as: “having a feeling of discontent or resentment at another’s desirable possessions or qualities with a strong desire to have them for oneself.” It would be understandable for a friend to be envious of another’s promotion or raise. This does not have to affect the friendship, but should be talked about openly.
True friends are also happy for each other’s successes and are the ones to share celebrations with. Even when professional interests differ, we often assume less commitment to old friendships. This need not be so. There are other things to talk about besides work.
We will continue to make time to see our instrumental friends, but we also need to reassess the time needed for the nourishment of our souls—time to be just ourselves, without agendas. We need “real” friends, the ones we can let our hair down with, be totally ourselves, warts and all.
When we are with real friends, we don’t have to be on guard, watch what we say, worry about not offending. We don’t have to sound intelligent, be entertaining, or agree.
For our own emotional well-being, we need a stress-free environment, and that can only be accomplished when we are with true friends—friends we can trust. Friends we love and who love us back.
I love him
because I know him
so well
I love him
in spite of knowing him
that well
See you once a week.
Published Books of Poetry by Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D.
written by a formerly young person. So here goes!