When He’s Ready for Retirement and She’s Ready for New Challenges

We hear a lot about how dual-career couples manage their responsibilities at home when both work full-time. We also read a great deal about the conflicts women experience juggling children and a career, but there is very little written about the couple that is thinking about retirement.

It is very difficult to function without a schedule when for fifty years one was set for you. It is important for people who have worked all their lives to continue with regular activities, be they golf, politics, board memberships, community volunteering, or simply reading, if that provides satisfaction. For most people, having a routine after retirement provides needed structure. I have always believed that one does not retire from something but to something. In other words, one should never stop work without a plan to pursue specific activities.

If she has been a full-time housewife and he retires, that can begin their golden years of new, shared interests: travel, family, hobbies. Or, it can also be that he’s bored and she feels he’s always underfoot. There is an old joke: “For better or worse, but not for lunch.”

But there is a new problem emerging: what if both the husband and wife have worked full-time, or perhaps she started a new career after the children were grown?

He may be ready to retire, and she may be in the midst of her most productive years. After having stayed home, she is looking outward, whereas he, after having been out there, is looking inward towards home and family.

Difficulties can emerge when women retire after their husbands, and about one-third do so. Because women are often younger than their husbands and because many have started work later in life, the decision to stay in the job market may be an economic one, the accruement of a good pension and bigger Social Security benefits.

Also, while he may feel burned out and glad to be away from the daily pressures of work, she may be at the crossroads of her greatest opportunities. He has a legitimate wish to be able to share his retirement years with his life-long companion, while she has an equally legitimate wish to be able to accomplish more.

It is also important to note that after a man has been the breadwinner all his life, seeing his wife bringing in the money may be difficult to accept. A man’s identity is so often tied to work that losing that status could be traumatic and he may be at loose ends until he feels engaged in some meaningful or new rewarding way.

Couples need to start thinking about this dilemma before it is upon them. Will he be satisfied to market and cook while she’s at work? Will he be lonely or will he enjoy this time on his own? Will she feel guilty about the role reversal, about abandoning him, or will she be thrilled to come home to a (hopefully) clean house and a hot meal?

Couples must be clear about their expectations, their needs, and negotiate the compromises they can live with before the decisions are upon them. If this is discussed ahead of time, he may want to arrange for a consulting job after his retirement or she may prepare herself for part-time work. They may also decide that if he stops working and she doesn’t, they will manage their time together around weekends, with decisions on how to deal with housekeeping tasks. Studies have shown that too often after retiring, men become depressed and/or suffer from a variety of physical ills. This is why it is so important for couples to have plans that will be conducive to continued satisfaction with one’s activities, with one’s life.

It is interesting to note that the man gone all day and the woman at home is much less of a problem than the other way around, since this may have been the case when the children were still living at home. Also, women have had more experience dealing with being home alone and are better at being self-sufficient and using resources such as family and friends for companionship and help when needed.

A pending retirement is a time for honest reappraisal of one’s life’s goals, a realistic look at one’s past achievements, while still being a time to accomplish what has been set aside in pursuit of a livelihood.

It is no easy task, but it may be the most rewarding time of a couple’s life together.

The Personality Factor

What is your personality style?

Find out; it influences the way you feel, think and behave on an unconscious level. It is only when you have identified the unconscious forces that move you that you can consciously decide to try some different behaviors if the ones you usually use do not work well for you. Here are eight personality types one most often encounters in the workplace as well as in the home.

1. The Restless Type: Restless people like change for change’s sake. They don’t settle on anything for long; they balk at routine and take risks that are not well thought out¾often to the detriment of their organizations.

At home, they are not satisfied with routine and look for new things to do¾the perennial travelers fit into this category.

2. The Aggressive Type: Aggressive people are often competitive and want to be top dog. They want power and try to dominate others. They have high control needs but may not always be in good control themselves.

At home, these people often have troubled marriages as well as conflicts with their adolescent and grown children.

3. The Workaholic: These people are often perfectionists. They want order in their lives and pay attention to detail. They withhold the show of emotions and are susceptible to many stress-related health risks. The workaholic makes others feel inadequate as they stay at work later than anyone else and go to the office on weekends.

Workaholics are unavailable parents and spouses, choosing to spend their evenings and weekends at work.

4. The Mercurial Type: People in the arts often belong to this category. They are very effusive, spontaneous, and uninhibited and like being the center of attention. Their impulsiveness, however, can create problems for them at work when they don’t think through the consequences of their behaviors.

Mercurial people are also often solipsistic, thinking the world revolves around them. They may be fun to be with, but their lack of responsible behavior eventually spells trouble on the home front.

5. The Worrier: These are fearful people who predict negative outcomes to most undertakings and thus will avoid risk. They are guarded in their relationships. Their anxiety and lack of self-confidence make them cling to known routines and prevent them from making necessary changes.

At home, worriers are over-protective of their children and may become paranoid in their relationships.

6. The Leisurely Type: These people are sometimes accused of being too laid back, because they put their personal priorities ahead of work¾they prefer to relax and enjoy themselves. These individuals don’t like to feel pushed and may have a tendency to procrastinate.

The fun-loving person may not take on their share of responsibilities and thus annoy those who must take up the slack.

7. The Loner: These people are often found in the sciences. They are unsentimental, they are not feelers, but instead are observers and doers. Their main problem is not understanding other people’s feelings, so they hurt others inadvertently.

The loners at home include the computer-obsessed person who would rather surf the Net than spend time with family or tinker in the garage at the expense of time with spouse or children.

8. The Go-Getter: Usually successful, the go-getters are ambitious, often overly self-confident and concentrate on their own goals sometimes to the detriment of organizational goals. They forge ahead, not caring if they step on other people’s toes.

The go-getter may overly push their children to excel academically or at sports in ways that may not be beneficial to them. Winning becomes everything.

There are many other personality types, but these are ones that seem to impact the workplace the most.

If you do not get the recognition you feel you deserve at work, if you do not have the colleagueship you expect, ask yourself whether any of these personality types, or combinations thereof, fit you and thus may be the problem.

Hardly anyone fits into just one category. People can be restless and aggressive, or restless and worried. On the other hand, go-getters are not usually loners nor leisurely, but can be workaholics.

To find out, observe your responds when under pressure. It usually indicates the basic personality type that you control better under more normal circumstances.

If you don’t have a clue as to what personality type you have, show this list to a few trusted colleagues or family members and ask them to categorize you. Don’t be defensive about their responses, even if you disagree. Remember that feedback is a gift that is meant to help. Only by identifying the way your behavior affects others can you make the necessary changes.