Parents and Children Working Together

I often hear from friends who complain about their children who work with them in the family business. I also hear from their children, some of whom are young adults, others are middle-aged, complaining bitterly about over-supervision and a lack of autonomy and trust. One young woman with an MBA told me that her mother checks up on her work more than she does on that of any other employee.

What is going on?

One may well ask whether it is the children who cannot accept any authority from the parent whom they so recently struggled to gain some independence from, or whether, indeed, it is the parents who cannot let go of controlling their child?

Let us examine the dynamics of both possibilities.

One of the major tasks of growing up is growing away from one’s parents. For young people to be able to stand on their own two feet, they must be able to differentiate themselves from their parents. They need to test parental value systems, lifestyles, beliefs, and goals in order to see if these fit their own values and styles. They do this by trying out different beliefs, new ways of living, and by having friends that their parents disapprove of. We call this adolescent rebellion.

Even though the child may be well beyond the so-called “rebellious years,” remnants of this effort to distance oneself may remain. Even when I was in my mid-70s and my mother was in her mid-90s, I still sometimes startled at the strength of my reactions when she criticized me. This is a parent-child dynamic that lasts a lifetime.

So it is no wonder that a child may resist any parental attempt—no matter how legitimate—to control. It may be a helpful suggestion that is taken as criticism or a mild criticism that is perceived as strong disapproval. The push for autonomy from one’s parents is so strong that any supervision is felt as overly controlling.

Children want to please their parents and care so much for what they think that they exaggerate—in their own minds—any parental reaction that is less than absolutely positive. Every child, from infancy through adulthood, wears a little invisible sign around his or her neck that says: “Mom, Dad, please admire me!”

The other possibility, that indeed the parent is a very difficult boss, should also be explored. As children grow older, it is difficult to see them as adults. I still give unsolicited psychological advice to my 62-year-old daughter who has a Ph.D. in psychology and business advice to my 60-year-old son with an MBA from Harvard.

Parents remember all the foolish things their kids used to say and do and still attribute that potential to their grown sons and daughters. They still believe that their own judgment must be better than their child’s.

Parents do tend to over-supervise their own children. Whereas a mother or father may overlook an employee’s minor errors, they would notice every mistake their son or daughter made and overreact. In other words, the expectations of performance are higher for children, thus placing additional burdens on these children who feel under observation all of the time. If children do well, it’s a chip off the old block. If they don’t, then it is perceived as an embarrassing reflection on the parent.

Some parents exaggerate their children’s achievements and give them responsibilities too soon: some parents underrate their children and continue to keep them in subordinate positions longer than is warranted. Either way, it has little to do with reality. Also, other employees often believe that bosses’ children are unfairly given advantages and may resent it, adding to the problem.

Also if the child takes a position different from the parent, that parent may feel betrayed. Family loyalty  and affection get confused with work decisions.

Parents generally have trouble giving up control, and when it’s time to retire many stay on becoming burdens to their children—who would normally pension-off aging employees but cannot because it’s Mom or Dad.

If relationships at work are too fraught with tension, it may be important to the child to prove him- or herself elsewhere, before the parent can accept that child as a valuable member of the team.

There is really only one solution to the problems of parents and children in the same business. It is to talk openly about the one’s need for control and the other’s need for autonomy. There must be constant reassurance about loyalty, commitment, and love. Although these should not be at stake because of a difference of opinion, they often are.

My Mother Complains That

I’ve gained weight

my hair isn’t right

my dress is unbecoming

I wasn’t polite

it matters not

that she complains

what matters

is that it still matters

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Three Approaches to Solving Problems

When faced with a conflict with someone else, people often do not know how to proceed. Having a method to deal with problems can be helpful. Whether there is a problem at work with an employee or a problem at home with spouse or a child, taking one of the following three approaches should result in a more positive outcome. The main difference being that with employees or children you have the ultimate say, but with a spouse you are equal partners, each responding to the needs and wishes of the other.

Let us start with the first method, which I call the preventive approach. The preventive approach deals with picking up early signs that something may be brewing and dealing with the potential conflict before it escalates into a full-blown one. It is difficult to do because we often hope that if nothing is said, the problem will disappear of its own accord, or that it will just happen a few times and that will be it.

The reality is that if a behavior seems to go unnoticed, or at least isn’t talked about, the assumption is that one can continue it. If you don’t want to make a big deal out of a first or second-time dysfunctional behavior, it is possible to say something about it casually: “This is the third time you’re late for work, is anything wrong?” Or to a child: “This is the second time you’ve not finished your homework, what can we do about it?”

In other words, during the preventive stage, you gather information in a non-threatening way. You make it known that you have noticed and are available as a resource, even if only as a sounding board. You make no judgment, you do not evaluate. You are just an impartial, yet concerned, observer.

The therapeutic approach assumes that a problem needs to be dealt with and that the person can be helped. It is important to mention the good points as well as the weak ones, illustrating each with specific examples.

The caveat here is that the person must be willing to acknowledge that there is a problem and also agree to receive some help. In other words, the boss or parent becomes an acceptable resource—pointing out what is wrong, how it can be fixed, and the expected outcome. If it is a spouse or coworker whose behavior causes a problem, one must find out how aware the person is of the behavior and its impact and whether he or she is willing to change.

Knowing that you are there to solve a problem together will allow difficult employees, uncooperative children, and unaware spouses to participate in a discussion. It is important to set a time when you will talk again to check on progress toward mutually agreed-upon goals. This can be the next day, next week, or next month, with specific behaviors that need to be reduced or eliminated and others, which will replace them.

The final approach in punitive. When the therapeutic approach has failed, it is time to threaten. Unless there is improvement, the following consequences are likely to occur: for an employee it can be no opportunity for promotions, a demotion and, of course, being fired. Whatever it is that you threaten with, you must then carry it out. With a child, it is usually taking away some privilege; with a spouse, it is negative changes in your own behavior or even eventual divorce as a response to lack of effort on the part of the spouse.

Sometimes it is actually your unmet expectations of this employee, spouse, or child that creates the problem. They may not understand what is expected, or they may not act appropriately because of inherent limitations, lack of training, or motivation. It is also possible that they are reacting to stress or some other factor which is not directly related to the problem at hand.

It is important for a superior to know the reasons for their employees’ difficulties, for a spouse to understand what goes on in the other person’s mind and heart, and for a parent to know the reasons for a child’s problems. When dealing with others, one must always be observing, gathering information, diagnosing, planning, and evaluating the possible impact. A manager’s, spouse’s, or parent’s job is never done—it is always in process.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights re

The Problem with Problems

“It’s your problem!” or “It’s my problem!” or “The problem is not in you or in me, it’s in the relationship.” or “Solve the problem.” or “Learn to live with it.” or “Forget about it, because years from now it won’t matter.” And finally: “What problem?”

All our lives are fraught with problems, but it isn’t the number of problems nor the degree of discomfort they create that matters. In the long run, it is how we deal with the problems we encounter, whether small daily ones or major crises.

It is difficult to deal with conflict when one of those involved refuses to take it seriously, to talk about it, or share feelings. These refusals can take the following forms:

The Placator says thing like: “Do what you want, just leave me alone” or “I don’t care, you decide.” Placators often have difficulty expressing anger, may tend to become depressed, and need to be helped to express their feelings.

The Dismisser refuses to recognize that there is a problem. The dismisser changes the subject or belittles the partner for showing emotions. Dismissers are afraid of a confrontation and need help in knowing that it’s safe to express feelings.

The Blamer finds fault with everything and everyone, never admitting to any possible weakness or mistake. Blamers say things like: “You never do anything right” or “There you go again.” Their best defense is a good offense, and they go into attack mode out of fear of being attacked. Blamers need help in dealing with potential fear or hurt and in accepting responsibility.

The Joker makes fun of the problem, which in fact is an attempt to placate and dismiss the problem. It also makes the other person feel foolish for making a fuss over nothing. The jokers feel threatened by conflict and avoid it by being funny. Jokers need to be helped to not feeling so vulnerable. Joking is a defense against taking matters seriously and therefore risking being hurt or hurting others.

The Shouter raises his or her voice to disallow any argument to continue. By shouting someone down, conflict resolution is avoided and the shouter feels victorious in not having had to deal with the issue. Shouters need help in being able to look calmly at disagreements while not losing control of the situation; which, paradoxically, is what they fear most.

It is equally important to identify your own preferred way of dealing with or avoiding conflict. In times of stress, we tend to revert to familiar behaviors even when they are not the most effective choice. By becoming aware of these pitfalls and the reasons for them, we can become more successful problem solvers.

Whenever either you or your partner resort to any of the tactics mentioned, know that this is a response to pain, fear, or anger—either about the feelings generated by the topic or a displacement to some other past event which is triggered by the current one. The past often intrudes on the present. It is important to talk about past grievances in a non-blaming way, and then to let go of them.

We have all grown up with messages about life, love, and trust, and these beliefs still impact us as adults. Examining these feelings with a partner will help in explaining some of our inappropriate behaviors stemming from earlier experiences. Having been made to feel worthless by a parent may result in an exaggerated need to be valued by a partner who does not see the need to comfort or praise.

In general, when dealing with conflict, examine all alternatives and identify the available resources and possible obstacles to a resolution. Share your feelings, not only about the results you are seeking but also about the way both of you are dealing with the task.

In other words, pay attention not only to the content, but to the way you go about the discussion. This will ensure better problem solving and better relationships so that you end up with: NO PROBLEM!

In my next column, I will suggest three different approaches to solving problems.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Glad to Have Done It

We had a big house on top of a hill with a view over the distant ocean and winter sunsets. It was an old house and a week didn’t go by that something had to be fixed. Most times my husband could do it but other times it was waiting for that proverbially late or no-show electrician, plumber, or handyman. He was getting tired of it all. There was no public transportation for our area, and I was beginning to not like driving at night. I was 79 and my husband was 81, but we had not slowed down yet. It was time to start planning for the rest of our lives. I still sat on five boards, wrote a twice-a-month column for a local paper and my 17^th book was just published. The title was Retirement, Wise and Witty Advice for Making it the Next Great Adventure, and I decided to take my own advice. Slow down if I’m on overload or speed up if I’m bored. I was constantly on overload and often frantically trying to get everything done.

In 1999, our best friends came with us to visit all the retirement communities in San Diego County. Neither of us had children nearby who could take care of us in our old age, so we decided that the prudent thing to do was to take care of our old age ourselves. We looked for a retirement community that had three levels of care: independent living, assisted living, and full continuing care. It was important that the hospital be in the same compound so that in case one of us was disabled, the other one would not have to drive across town to visit, as is often the case. We also wanted a place close enough to our friends, so that they wouldn’t be deterred by distance to see us. And finally, we wanted an environment conducive to walking—be it the beach or nearby restaurants and shops. White Sands of La Jolla filled the bill in all categories. Prospect Street and Pearl were right there and so was the beach.

So, on Sept. 6, 1999, the four of us put down a deposit for the townhouses that would eventually be built on the property. We learned that most retirement homes will only accept people who are healthy and ambulatory—the assisted-living and nursing facilities are reserved for those who are already residents—but White Sands accepts people at all stages of health and ability. Once we were accepted, I breathed a sigh of relief and told my husband: “Now we can become disabled, they have to keep us.”

As the years passed, my friend died leaving her husband alone. It was good that he had a place to go to where everything would be taken care of.

We had already gone on trips with the White Sands bus—once to Palm Springs to see the desert in bloom with a mule-drawn covered wagon ride. The bus takes people to concerts, plays, opera, and lectures. We  wouldn’t have to worry about parking anymore. There are non-stop activities from bridge lessons to all manner of exercise classes, from in-house concerts and lectures to discussion groups. One can be as social or as private as one desires. The food is excellent and healthy and no one seems to be overweight. I started looking forward to miraculously losing those extra pounds when I would live there. Many residents have advanced degrees and had interesting careers, so intellectual conversations are the norm at mealtimes. One can eat alone or with others, take the food to our room or have it delivered. The choices are there.

We had several friends who planned to move in at the same time we would and we looked forward to more as they will envy us our newfound freedoms from the joys of home ownership. We sent furniture and paintings to our children, emptied out closets of unwanted items, and gave away the books to various organizations. Cats are allowed and so are dogs, so Molly—our rescued puppy—was not only welcomed, but there are weekly puppy parties here.

Years later, I am well ensconced in my lovely apartment with the sound of waves below the balcony and with new friends who have become old friends as we are all part of the White Sands family.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Cats, Dogs, and Seniors

Every Friday at 3:00, about a dozen dogs have a puppy party at White Sands La Jolla. They congregate with their owners and other dog-loving residents on a large lawn for puppy play time. The dogs vary from tiny and young to large and older and everyone gets treats—dogs get biscuits and people get lemonade. It is one more opportunity to encourage seniors to get together and share common interests.

It is well-known that living with a pet contributes to better health and longer life. Pet-owners benefit from reduced blood pressure, and petting your animal releases the chemicals that lower cholesterol and triglycerides.

Current research indicates that even small physical movements increase mental cognition. Being prompted by an animal to bend down to pick it up, fetch a treat, or petting it on your lap is a pleasurable way to help keep your brain active and healthy.

An animal in one’s life also promotes wellbeing by increasing emotional and psychological stability. Specifically, having a pet decreases stress, depression, and anxiety. Pets become part of the family; they provide companionship and help alleviate loneliness. For those who live alone, pets may be the only social lifeline. People talk to their pets and get purrs or wagging tails in response. Having to walk a dog gets a senior out of the house and into encounters with other dog owners and passersby.

Pets can be especially therapeutic in dealing with the loss of a loved one or other traumas. For instance, recovery rates from heart attack are better for those who return home from the hospital to a loving pet. Having an animal to take care of makes one feel needed and responsible for another living creature. This reinforces both self-esteem and the value of life.

Here at White Sands we have a few rules: dogs must be on a leash except when playing in our grassy areas, pets may not come into the dining room, owners must pick up after their dogs (there are containers with plastic bags scattered around the property for this purpose), and dogs know not to bark between 1:00 and 2:00 in the afternoon, which is our quiet time. A dog walk with special artificial turf that can be hosed down has recently been installed.

And it’s not just dogs. Prince, the Whites Sands house cat at-large, decides every evening which of the cat-loving people here will get to have his presence overnight. He even knows how to open the automatic doors going in and out of the property. There are birds who fly around freely among the trees of the indoor courtyard of the dementia center, and residents own talking parakeets as well as silent goldfish.

A veterinarian comes once a month to check on the animals whose owners cannot go out. Our pets are part of the community, benefitting not only their owners, but everyone else. We not only know each other’s children and grandchildren’s names, we know each other’s pets. I always carry a tidbit in my pocket in case I bump into Diego, Fred, Piper, Cupcake, Roxie, Brandy, Rosie, Flower, Mowglie, or Abigail.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.