Your Shadow Side

Your shadow side is the side you may be, at best, only dimly aware of. It is your shadow side that makes you chronically late and leaves the pile of books on the floor and the pile of papers messing up your desk. It’s responsible for the unpaid bills on the kitchen counter, the unanswered phone calls and e-mails, the dirty dishes waiting in the sink, the dirty laundry waiting in the hamper. In other words, you can blame your shadow side for your disorganization. Do you have clothes that you hang on to but have not worn in several years? Are there objects cluttering up your house you haven’t looked at and that don’t enhance your home? Are there things in drawers, on shelves, in cupboards, and closets that have lost their usefulness? If this applies to you (it does to me), read on….

There are times when we are baffled by our own behavior. We ask ourselves: “Why do I do that or not take care of this? Why can’t I motivate myself to…take the time to…get my life in order?”

Let us start with chronic lateness. I told a friend recently that her lateness is a sign of hostility, because she makes others wait for her. But it is more than that, one needs to uncover the hidden messages lurking in our brains. “I am important, let them wait,” or “When I was a child my father always pushed me to hurry, so I promised myself I would never be pushed again,” or “I fool myself into thinking I can do one more thing before leaving the house/office and still be on time, thus giving a higher priority to that last minute call, or letter, or whatever, than getting there promptly.” Again: “My time is more valuable than yours.” On the other hand, if you always put other’s needs before your own, your shadow side may be playing old tapes about your worthlessness. Were you given messages in your childhood about not being good enough, bright enough, or constantly diminished by parents and siblings?

Before you can change unwanted behaviors, you need to get in touch with that shadow side to understand the messages that are secretly dictating your choices.

Start slow and small. “Today I will look through one inch of that pile of papers. Today I will clear up one quarter of my desk.

Live in the moment; allow your conscious mind to set the agenda so your shadow side cannot turn you back to your old patterns. Decide on your vision of the life you want, then take the time to identify the steps you need to take to get to that vision and then¾this is important¾take very small steps or you will get discouraged. Twenty minutes a day for clearing up old files may be all you can handle without frustration, but then stick to those twenty minutes no matter what.

Every time you don’t decide what to do with that item in your hand, you postpone the decision for a later time. Not making a decision is a decision: put it away or give it away.

And then there is the issue of compatibility. You like neatness and very few things around, your partner feels cozy only in a cluttered home. Or your partner (and usually children too) leaves a mess expecting you to clean up. Do you?

The amount of clutter and organization one is comfortable with, as well as who is in charge should be negotiated calmly and re-negotiated often as progress or no progress is being made.

You know you are dealing with your shadow side if there is something in your own behavior that has been bothering you but every time you think about it, it upsets you and you feel powerless. Look for a hidden message behind your lateness, the broken promises you meant to keep, your clutter, your disorganization.

In researching this article, I got in touch with why I keep all my old teaching notes and articles I wrote thirty years ago (now obsolete). It represents a time in my life that was very productive, where I was successful and at the forefront of women entering the workforce in male-dominated enclaves, giving talks, consulting with major corporations, writing, traveling.

Do I miss that time in my life? I would not do it now; I’m 84, less of an activist, and more contemplative, preferring to stay home than travel. Yet, there are those papers…. Now that I know what they represent, I can let go. That was then¾I am now.

So learn how your shadow side stops you from doing what you really want. Find a friend you can talk to; it’s hard to do it alone. Get your vision clear as to what you want to accomplish, decide on small steps and just do it.

Good luck!

Our Homes, Our Sanctuaries

A bird’s nest, a wolf’s den, a bear’s cave, a dog’s kennel or cardboard box, a person’s room or house or apartment or castle--these are the sanctuaries, the safe places where one retreats to bear and raise one’s young, to hide from predators, to seek refuge from the world.

A cave or a hole dug into a stone wall sheltered our ancestors. Today we have four walls, a roof, a floor. In some places it is a wall made of sun-dried mud bricks with cow dung for mortar, a straw roof, and an earthen floor. In other places it is corrugated cardboard walls with a piece of sheet metal for the roof.

Then there are barracks for soldiers or migrant workers, cots in rows in homeless shelters, dorm rooms for students, rented rooms in boarding houses, maids’ rooms, beach cottages, mountain cabins, condos in high rises, houses with small yards or large gardens, farms, estates, castles.

What they all have in common is a name: Home. It is a place to return to after a day away, a place to rest, to replenish oneself. It can also be a place of strife, of more work cooking and cleaning, but at the end of the day there is a bed, four walls, a roof against the elements--safety.

Those of us who can, buy a house, fix it up, furnish it, and live in it. This house represents who we are--a part of ourselves for the world to see. It is our home and an ego-extension. It is not just a location or a style of house--nor is it only landscape or decor. It is the fulfillment of dreams or lack of; it is the place of comfort, of refuge, of privacy. A place we can take our clothes off, put our feet up, and be ourselves without the demands of the outside world.

Many of life’s most emotional moments happen in our homes. The walls resonate with the memories of dialogues, of tears and laughter, of children’s voices, of parents long gone.

We look to create the perfect home environment for ourselves, for our families. We spend time buying furniture, deciding on fabrics, on colors for our walls, on the material for our floors: tile, marble, wood, carpets--all give different messages to the visitor: formal or cozy, grand or fun, traditional or innovative. Our homes tell on us; they tell our secrets.

What we place in our homes are symbols of ourselves. Walking around someone’s home, we understand the person who lives there better. What are the pictures on the walls, what photos are out, what are the books on the shelves, how is the furniture arranged? Does the home have little furniture and few objects or is it cluttered as mine is?

And then there is the color scheme. Is it neutral and peaceful, is it colorful and exciting? I once visited Audrey Hepburn in her house near Geneva, Switzerland. Everything was white in the living room, and she wore white, but the library was in primary colors. So she blended into her living room, but contrasted in her library. It was very dramatic, and it fit a great actress.

We can fall in love with a house, grow into it, and then outgrow it and move on to something larger, or move to a smaller house or apartment, move to the city or the country.

But every home we have ever lived in will also live within us. We are the sum of all our living spaces and recreate wherever we go some small part of where we have been--of who we were.

My daughter had just finished building her house, which was still empty, when my mother died. We shipped my mother’s furniture to Toronto and in one day my daughter had her living room, dining room, and two bedrooms furnished. One grandson sleeps in his grandfather’s bed, and the guest room where I sleep when I visit has my mother’s bed. The wonder of it was that somehow I did not have to leave my Beverly Hills family home--where I grew up--it was recreated in Canada and whenever I stay there I feel embraced by the familiar surroundings.

It is wonderful when certain treasured family belongings can move either with us as we move or go to our children for them to pass on to the next generation. These become our heirlooms, our treasures, our memories; they fill up our homes and make them the sanctuaries that draw us back to elicit the familiar response: “It’s so good to be home.”