Non-Assertion As Unconscious Inhibition

Assertion. Is it a skill? Is it an attitude? Are we born assertive? Do we learn it as children? Can we acquire it as adults? Most of the literature on assertion assumes that people are unassertive because they don’t know how to be assertive—they lack the skill. The assumption is that we can be taught to be assertive with practice. Most assertiveness workshops use role-play, on the premise that if you practice assertion in simulated situations, the behaviors will be transferable to real events. Of course, practice can help people discover the various ways of approaching a topic or person, but practice may not be much help to the people who are shy or afraid to act unless they can understand the underlying reason for this difficulty.

So, the question to raise is, what makes some people too shy or too afraid to get their needs met? Studies indicate that there is an inhibiting factor that prevents some people from being assertive. Shy or fearful people do not feel entitled to express their thoughts and feelings, make requests, or refuse the requests of others. They have low self-esteem. They do not think that they are good enough, smart enough, or attractive enough; they feel, therefore, that they have no rights and perceive others as not granting them any rights.

Inhibition is the inability to speak out or act on your own behalf, on behalf of others, or on behalf of an idea or value system. Let us go a step further. What is the basis for inhibition? It is the assumption that attempts to be assertive will meet with a negative response and that this negative response matters. If you predict a negative response but feel it does not matter, you won’t be inhibited. But when it does matter to you, the predicted negative response can so influence your behavior that you are prevented from being assertive.

There may be both rational and irrational components to inhibition. You may be correct or incorrect in assuming that a particular assertive stance on your part will result in negative consequences for you. There are a couple of ways to check reality. One is to ask others. If no one else would be inhibited in your place, then you can question the reality of your predictions of a negative response. The other is to recall the ways your parents controlled you as a child. Did they show their disapproval by anger, by tears, by indifference? Does the potential of others’ anger, tears, or indifference still control your behavior now? When you feel inhibited from being assertive, visualize the type of negative response you predict your behavior will elicit. Does it remind you of an earlier parental reaction? If you had a father who controlled you by anger or even just by its threat, do you predict an angry response to your attempts at meeting your needs? If your mother cried when you misbehaved, what you fear most is hurting people?

Since the inhibitor factor in assertion is often the displacement of early childhood socialization patterns into the present, determine which people most inhibit your assertiveness and try to identify what it is in them that reminds you of a parent or teacher. It may be a look, a walk, a voice, an expression, an attitude. You are attributing to a boss, a colleague, a subordinate, or a friend a motive that once belonged to an authority figure that used to inhibit you. Once you are able to identify this element, ask yourself, “Do I choose to be inhibited by this person who in not my parent?” Chances are that similar attributes in a variety of people will trigger this inhibition in you. I have found that very cold, formal men remind me of my father, who was always quite distant, and therefore others’ potential withdrawal can still control my behavior.

Once you have identified the pattern, chances are that whenever you meet it in others it can still influence you, even though you are an adult. The only way to deal with non-assertion is to keep looking for the pattern so that once you have identified it, you are making your unconscious reactions conscious and therefore more under your control.

Copyright © 2013. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Painful, but Necessary: The Termination Process

In these hard economic times, many of us have had to witness the firing of beloved colleagues. I thought it might be useful to review current employment practices, which are different from what many of us grew accustomed to over the course of our careers.

Under California law, employment is considered “at will.” This means that employers can terminate or lay off employees at any time without cause or notice (employees also can quit without notice). Gone are the three legally mandated warnings of poor performance with periodic evaluations to check on improvement, although many organizations continue to follow this practice in order to give employees a chance to meet required standards.

And so it is that, without warning, an employer can say, “You’re fired, pack your things,” and escort you off the premises without an opportunity to say goodbye to friends and coworkers. It may seem inhumane, but from the employer’s perspective there is a very real fear that a terminated employee left in place for any length of time will do serious damage to an organization—“misplacing” files, stealing client lists, negatively affecting employee morale, etc.

Because termination is painful for all parties involved, doing it quickly is usually easier than allowing for the ritual leave-taking of old. A lengthy departure can create an unhealthy work environment for those who remain.

The reasons for termination are wide and varied. An employee may have been caught stealing, is chronically tardy, doesn’t work well with others, makes too many mistakes or just lacks competence. They may be hard workers, honest and loyal, but if they can’t perform the job to an organization’s expectations, then it is certainly understandable why termination is necessary.

Even when this is the case, employees deserve to be terminated with professionalism and respect. The termination act is a private event between the manager doing the firing and the employee being let go. Most managers do not relish terminating an employee. It is stressful to cause anyone pain. On the other hand, it can be difficult for a manager to be compassionate when the employee being terminated has been irritating, difficult, unwilling to follow procedures, or otherwise counterproductive over a long period of time. Even so, it is the prerogative of the person with the power to do it with kindness, offering to help, even if rebuked.

The boss is the obvious person upon whom anger can be vented; it should not be taken personally. Employees are upset by the situation and at the person who bears the bad news, and they blame the boss rightly or wrongly for creating havoc in their lives. In our culture working is tied to our feelings of self-worth, and in these hard economic times, loss of income can be devastating, especially if prospects of another job are low.

The good boss, like the good parent, should accept the anger as legitimate without responding with anger. Managers should put aside their own difficulties in order to be generous in that moment.

What is particularly difficult for those who continue with the organization, the remaining employees, is that information concerning the reasons for termination cannot be divulged. Many organizations have policies in place designed to protect the privacy of the individual terminated. While this may lead other employees to wonder who might be fired next and be unhappy with management for creating a stressful environment, the termination process is difficult, but necessary, for any organization’s success.

Copyright © 2013. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Good Intentions

You have received an invitation to a party. It’s a month away, so you put it aside. There is plenty of time to answer; you have more urgent calls to make.

A friend became a grandparent; you meant to send a card but never got to a store to pick one up.

A subordinate made an excellent presentation; you make a mental note to congratulate him.

Your boss was on TV; you plan to say something about it the next time you see her.

A colleague’s project got funded; you will send a note when you have a minute.

The staff meeting you attended was well run and very productive; you were going to mention it to the group leader but had to leave early.

You meant to return those phone calls but misplaced the little message slip.

So what happened? You never answered the party invitation, which got buried under a pile of papers, and your irate friend called the day before the event to ask whether you’re coming or not. You apologize for being a boor or you lie about not having received it.

You never got to congratulate your subordinate, your boss, your colleague, nor the group leader. You also didn’t return the phone calls. It wasn’t the right time, you forgot, or it didn’t seem appropriate days later.

What I’m writing about is all too common. It happens to most of us. We don’t give positive feedback the importance it requires. Some people feel awkward giving a compliment; others believe it’s not necessary, thinking: “When somebody does a good job, he or she knows about it and doesn’t need to be told.”

Not true! Everyone appreciates a comment, the notice of a job well done, a pat on the back. Too few ever get it.

Even if you’re the type that gets embarrassed when complimented, remember most people appreciate it. It means that you not only noticed, but you cared enough to say so¾you extended yourself in a gesture of friendship. So next time, don’t make it a mental note, make it a memo and send it out immediately. Don’t end your day before returning the calls and e-mails and sharing your feedback.

Make it a priority to stop by your boss’s office and congratulate her personally. Call up your colleague that night and say how pleased you were to hear of the funding. Tell your subordinate how proud you are of him. Acknowledge to the team leader how much you appreciated the productivity of the meeting, respond to that party invitation the day you receive it, and return those calls or risk forgetting them all together.

Friends have birthdays, publish books, give great parties, and go on trips. Taking note of these events, remembering, congratulating, and showing pleasure at their accomplishments are all meaningful manifestations of one’s caring. What is friendship if not participating in each other’s lives. And when painful things happen to friends, it is even more necessary to call and show concern. A friend of mine just got divorced under very negative and public circumstances. She said I was the only one to call.

The same thing happens when someone dies. Maybe you send a card, and you intend to call, but you don’t because it’s hard to know what to say. You feel uncomfortable and awkward because you wish to be helpful but don’t know how. The intention is there, but the follow up is postponed until a more propitious time, which of course never arrives.

In my college alumni newsletter I read that a former classmate’s husband had died. I had had no contact with her for many years but made a point of sending my condolences. She wrote back how important it was to have heard from me. When I see her at our next reunion, we will reconnect better because of my note.

As I was flipping through channels this week, I saw a friend from Washington, D.C. on television talking about her latest book. I called her right away to congratulate her. I could tell from her voice how pleased she was that I did. It was worth it for both of us, and it cemented an already good friendship even more.

So, for better or for worse, notice and be there with condolences or congratulations. It is the small, unexpected gestures that matter most.

Copyright © 2013. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.