We have become afraid to speak honestly and
directly. We don’t want to upset, offend, or step on someone’s toes. We fear
being seen as aggressive, pushy, opinionated, demanding, or critical so
intensely that we often pussyfoot around and avoid what really needs to be
said. And while I applaud our new-found sensitivity to other people’s feelings,
effective communication is often needlessly sacrificed.
We start our sentences with qualifications (“I may
be wrong, but...” or “You may disagree, but....”) and end our statements with
questions (“Right?” “Yes?” “Okay?”). If we’re so unsure of what we’re about to
say, why should anyone else listen? People often use a lot of unnecessary words
such as: “whatever,” “it’s like,” or “I mean,” and that takes away from the
strength of the message. This ineffective manner of expression is far too
prevalent.
There are times when we do feel genuinely
tentative, but this kind of “waffling” is indicative not of the uncertainty of
our words but of the fear of being judged negatively. No one can tell what it
is we know for sure and what we don’t. Sentences starting with “Isn’t it true
that...” or “You must agree with...” are often strong opinions or accepted
facts, but they are misleading when couched in this tentative a form. “Could
you have this done by Thursday?” may be a genuine question, but it is often a
demand disguised as a request, the more honest statement would be: “I need this
by Thursday, if it’s a problem, please let me know.”
Responding with slippery statements such as “Great”
or “Interesting” does not let the person know what we really think. Ambiguous
or insubstantial responses are not helpful. Only specific revelations about
what we liked and disliked and the reasons why will allow people to improve
performance.
One of the biggest difficulties most of us have is clearly
saying, “No,” “I won’t,” “I can’t,” “It won’t work,” “I disagree,” etc.
Instead, we say “Not now, maybe later,” “I’d love to but…,” or “I wish I could.”
This, of course, makes people believe that you will do what they ask next time;
and so, the game continues until either they give up in disgust or you do it
out of guilt.
This sort of dodging comes from our fear of speaking
honestly. Newcomers to a group or anyone outside the dominant culture will
often use tentative language until they feel accepted. If we’re unclear, then
we can’t be pinned down to an opinion or decision. If we’re uncommitted in our
language, then we can’t be blamed if anything goes wrong. Communication is
watered down to ineffectual levels. When people protect themselves by not
speaking out, not asking important questions, not making suggestions, or not
disagreeing when necessary, they rob their organizations, families, and relationships
of a valuable resource—their minds. To people of older generations, having been
raised to use “courtesy language” and never disagree, speaking directly feels
like confrontation and is uncomfortable.
So for people to become communication risktakers, the
group or organization must recognize and value forthright comments even when
the advice does not turn out as well as expected. If only positive results are
allowed, then nothing new, original, or creative will be attempted. Some
organizations value harmony and agreement at any cost. If going along with the
boss or the prevalent opinion is rewarded, then no one will take a chance on
expressing a contrary opinion or suggest a different way of dealing with an
issue. Soliciting different points of view and insisting on straightforward,
direct communication are essential to success when working with others. It
encourages productive communication between peers, friends, and family members.
The most fruitful conversations are those that include a variety of divergent
opinions. It may feel good to have everyone in agreement, but nothing new will
be learned.
Language is a “power tool.” Learning to use it is
one of our most important life skills. The way we express ourselves tells
others not only how confident we feel about what we are saying, but how
acceptable we believe our message will be to others. Communication is indeed a
two-way street. It expresses both who we are and the culture that can accept us
as we are.
Copyright
© 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.
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