Trust and Mistrust

If just about everyone in government is lying or fudging the truth (or so it seems) or taking advantage of their positions, whom can you trust?

If hospitals err 30% of the time in the type of medication or the dosage administered to their patients, whom can you trust?

If doctors misdiagnose, lawyers overcharge, accountants make mistakes, and contractors use inferior materials, whom can you trust?

We are living in a period where our inclination to trust is being severely taxed. We would like to trust, but are unable to and in fact are advised not to in order to protect ourselves against being hurt emotionally, physically, financially, or politically.

Scams are being reported every day in our newspapers. The elderly are told that they are prime victims. We are taught to walk erect and purposefully so as to not attract muggers.

I’m afraid to make eye contact with other drivers on the road lest they decide to shoot me. I hold my purse in front of me in crowded places to avoid pickpockets.

Everyone I know has security systems in their homes, and we had a dog that barked at strangers and would attack if provoked. Our home was burglarized while we were in China some years ago, and my husband was the victim of identity theft.

So who or what do we still trust? Can we trust that our bosses will evaluate us fairly and give us credit for our ideas and our work? Can we trust our co-workers to include us in important information and do their part? Can we trust our subordinates to be loyal and perform their jobs competently and in a timely manner?

We trust our spouses to look out for our interests, support us in private and public, be faithful and honest with us. We trust our parents to love us unconditionally and be there when we need them. We trust our children to do the best they can at school, become good citizens, and take care of us in our old age. We trust our friends to give us feedback when necessary and be there for us in good times and bad. And finally we trust our dog to warn us of danger and not make puddles on the living room rug.

Betraying trust is often about willingness and character, but sometimes it is actually about competence. If I trust you to do a job well and you don’t, it may be that you’re lazy and cut corners (willingness) or that you’re ill equipped to do better (competence). When a worker or a child bungles a job or an assignment, it may be lack of training, lack of knowledge, or our own unrealistic expectations.

We must also be careful not to generalize our trust in someone. I trusted my husband to be loyal and devoted, but if I gave him a letter to mail, it might have ended up in his pocket for days.

I can trust my colleague to set up a meeting, call the interested parties, have coffee ready, and welcome everyone with name tags, but I can’t trust her to give me honest feedback about the way I ran the meeting. She’ll tell me the meeting went really well even if it was unproductive. She’s afraid to offend and therefore her feedback cannot be trusted. Or I can trust a friend to tell me honestly how I performed, but I can’t trust her to be on time.

How do I deal with this trust issue? I check my bills more carefully, ask questions about hospital charges and the necessity of medical tests, get references for people I hire, talk to my pharmacist about drug interactions, discuss options with my contractor, and generally try to stay up to date about almost everything that may impact my life.

So we can trust some people for some things but not for others. The trick is to know whom to trust to do what. Experience will help in being forewarned about someone’s shortcomings. It is frustrating to deal with someone who is unreliable, but you cannot change someone—not your spouse, children, friends, or co-workers. If you choose to continue, or must continue, relationships with people you cannot trust in some area, then you will have to accept their behavior and compensate to protect yourself from the fallout.

To be too trusting can lead to gullibility and hurt, to not be trusting enough can lead to paranoia and isolation.

I don’t know
what is best for you
but I trust you
to tell me
I know
what is best for me
and I trust you
to trust me