Your Shadow Side

Your shadow side is the side you may be, at best, only dimly aware of. It is your shadow side that makes you chronically late and leaves the pile of books on the floor and the pile of papers messing up your desk. It’s responsible for the unpaid bills on the kitchen counter, the unanswered phone calls and e-mails, the dirty dishes waiting in the sink, the dirty laundry waiting in the hamper. In other words, you can blame your shadow side for your disorganization. Do you have clothes that you hang on to but have not worn in several years? Are there objects cluttering up your house you haven’t looked at and that don’t enhance your home? Are there things in drawers, on shelves, in cupboards, and closets that have lost their usefulness? If this applies to you (it does to me), read on….

There are times when we are baffled by our own behavior. We ask ourselves: “Why do I do that or not take care of this? Why can’t I motivate myself to…take the time to…get my life in order?”

Let us start with chronic lateness. I told a friend recently that her lateness is a sign of hostility, because she makes others wait for her. But it is more than that, one needs to uncover the hidden messages lurking in our brains. “I am important, let them wait,” or “When I was a child my father always pushed me to hurry, so I promised myself I would never be pushed again,” or “I fool myself into thinking I can do one more thing before leaving the house/office and still be on time, thus giving a higher priority to that last minute call, or letter, or whatever, than getting there promptly.” Again: “My time is more valuable than yours.” On the other hand, if you always put other’s needs before your own, your shadow side may be playing old tapes about your worthlessness. Were you given messages in your childhood about not being good enough, bright enough, or constantly diminished by parents and siblings?

Before you can change unwanted behaviors, you need to get in touch with that shadow side to understand the messages that are secretly dictating your choices.

Start slow and small. “Today I will look through one inch of that pile of papers. Today I will clear up one quarter of my desk.

Live in the moment; allow your conscious mind to set the agenda so your shadow side cannot turn you back to your old patterns. Decide on your vision of the life you want, then take the time to identify the steps you need to take to get to that vision and then¾this is important¾take very small steps or you will get discouraged. Twenty minutes a day for clearing up old files may be all you can handle without frustration, but then stick to those twenty minutes no matter what.

Every time you don’t decide what to do with that item in your hand, you postpone the decision for a later time. Not making a decision is a decision: put it away or give it away.

And then there is the issue of compatibility. You like neatness and very few things around, your partner feels cozy only in a cluttered home. Or your partner (and usually children too) leaves a mess expecting you to clean up. Do you?

The amount of clutter and organization one is comfortable with, as well as who is in charge should be negotiated calmly and re-negotiated often as progress or no progress is being made.

You know you are dealing with your shadow side if there is something in your own behavior that has been bothering you but every time you think about it, it upsets you and you feel powerless. Look for a hidden message behind your lateness, the broken promises you meant to keep, your clutter, your disorganization.

In researching this article, I got in touch with why I keep all my old teaching notes and articles I wrote thirty years ago (now obsolete). It represents a time in my life that was very productive, where I was successful and at the forefront of women entering the workforce in male-dominated enclaves, giving talks, consulting with major corporations, writing, traveling.

Do I miss that time in my life? I would not do it now; I’m 84, less of an activist, and more contemplative, preferring to stay home than travel. Yet, there are those papers…. Now that I know what they represent, I can let go. That was then¾I am now.

So learn how your shadow side stops you from doing what you really want. Find a friend you can talk to; it’s hard to do it alone. Get your vision clear as to what you want to accomplish, decide on small steps and just do it.

Good luck!