When He’s Ready for Retirement and She’s Ready for New Challenges

We hear a lot about how dual-career couples manage their responsibilities at home when both work full-time. We also read a great deal about the conflicts women experience juggling children and a career, but there is very little written about the couple that is thinking about retirement.

It is very difficult to function without a schedule when for fifty years one was set for you. It is important for people who have worked all their lives to continue with regular activities, be they golf, politics, board memberships, community volunteering, or simply reading, if that provides satisfaction. For most people, having a routine after retirement provides needed structure. I have always believed that one does not retire from something but to something. In other words, one should never stop work without a plan to pursue specific activities.

If she has been a full-time housewife and he retires, that can begin their golden years of new, shared interests: travel, family, hobbies. Or, it can also be that he’s bored and she feels he’s always underfoot. There is an old joke: “For better or worse, but not for lunch.”

But there is a new problem emerging: what if both the husband and wife have worked full-time, or perhaps she started a new career after the children were grown?

He may be ready to retire, and she may be in the midst of her most productive years. After having stayed home, she is looking outward, whereas he, after having been out there, is looking inward towards home and family.

Difficulties can emerge when women retire after their husbands, and about one-third do so. Because women are often younger than their husbands and because many have started work later in life, the decision to stay in the job market may be an economic one, the accruement of a good pension and bigger Social Security benefits.

Also, while he may feel burned out and glad to be away from the daily pressures of work, she may be at the crossroads of her greatest opportunities. He has a legitimate wish to be able to share his retirement years with his life-long companion, while she has an equally legitimate wish to be able to accomplish more.

It is also important to note that after a man has been the breadwinner all his life, seeing his wife bringing in the money may be difficult to accept. A man’s identity is so often tied to work that losing that status could be traumatic and he may be at loose ends until he feels engaged in some meaningful or new rewarding way.

Couples need to start thinking about this dilemma before it is upon them. Will he be satisfied to market and cook while she’s at work? Will he be lonely or will he enjoy this time on his own? Will she feel guilty about the role reversal, about abandoning him, or will she be thrilled to come home to a (hopefully) clean house and a hot meal?

Couples must be clear about their expectations, their needs, and negotiate the compromises they can live with before the decisions are upon them. If this is discussed ahead of time, he may want to arrange for a consulting job after his retirement or she may prepare herself for part-time work. They may also decide that if he stops working and she doesn’t, they will manage their time together around weekends, with decisions on how to deal with housekeeping tasks. Studies have shown that too often after retiring, men become depressed and/or suffer from a variety of physical ills. This is why it is so important for couples to have plans that will be conducive to continued satisfaction with one’s activities, with one’s life.

It is interesting to note that the man gone all day and the woman at home is much less of a problem than the other way around, since this may have been the case when the children were still living at home. Also, women have had more experience dealing with being home alone and are better at being self-sufficient and using resources such as family and friends for companionship and help when needed.

A pending retirement is a time for honest reappraisal of one’s life’s goals, a realistic look at one’s past achievements, while still being a time to accomplish what has been set aside in pursuit of a livelihood.

It is no easy task, but it may be the most rewarding time of a couple’s life together.

The Personality Factor

What is your personality style?

Find out; it influences the way you feel, think and behave on an unconscious level. It is only when you have identified the unconscious forces that move you that you can consciously decide to try some different behaviors if the ones you usually use do not work well for you. Here are eight personality types one most often encounters in the workplace as well as in the home.

1. The Restless Type: Restless people like change for change’s sake. They don’t settle on anything for long; they balk at routine and take risks that are not well thought out¾often to the detriment of their organizations.

At home, they are not satisfied with routine and look for new things to do¾the perennial travelers fit into this category.

2. The Aggressive Type: Aggressive people are often competitive and want to be top dog. They want power and try to dominate others. They have high control needs but may not always be in good control themselves.

At home, these people often have troubled marriages as well as conflicts with their adolescent and grown children.

3. The Workaholic: These people are often perfectionists. They want order in their lives and pay attention to detail. They withhold the show of emotions and are susceptible to many stress-related health risks. The workaholic makes others feel inadequate as they stay at work later than anyone else and go to the office on weekends.

Workaholics are unavailable parents and spouses, choosing to spend their evenings and weekends at work.

4. The Mercurial Type: People in the arts often belong to this category. They are very effusive, spontaneous, and uninhibited and like being the center of attention. Their impulsiveness, however, can create problems for them at work when they don’t think through the consequences of their behaviors.

Mercurial people are also often solipsistic, thinking the world revolves around them. They may be fun to be with, but their lack of responsible behavior eventually spells trouble on the home front.

5. The Worrier: These are fearful people who predict negative outcomes to most undertakings and thus will avoid risk. They are guarded in their relationships. Their anxiety and lack of self-confidence make them cling to known routines and prevent them from making necessary changes.

At home, worriers are over-protective of their children and may become paranoid in their relationships.

6. The Leisurely Type: These people are sometimes accused of being too laid back, because they put their personal priorities ahead of work¾they prefer to relax and enjoy themselves. These individuals don’t like to feel pushed and may have a tendency to procrastinate.

The fun-loving person may not take on their share of responsibilities and thus annoy those who must take up the slack.

7. The Loner: These people are often found in the sciences. They are unsentimental, they are not feelers, but instead are observers and doers. Their main problem is not understanding other people’s feelings, so they hurt others inadvertently.

The loners at home include the computer-obsessed person who would rather surf the Net than spend time with family or tinker in the garage at the expense of time with spouse or children.

8. The Go-Getter: Usually successful, the go-getters are ambitious, often overly self-confident and concentrate on their own goals sometimes to the detriment of organizational goals. They forge ahead, not caring if they step on other people’s toes.

The go-getter may overly push their children to excel academically or at sports in ways that may not be beneficial to them. Winning becomes everything.

There are many other personality types, but these are ones that seem to impact the workplace the most.

If you do not get the recognition you feel you deserve at work, if you do not have the colleagueship you expect, ask yourself whether any of these personality types, or combinations thereof, fit you and thus may be the problem.

Hardly anyone fits into just one category. People can be restless and aggressive, or restless and worried. On the other hand, go-getters are not usually loners nor leisurely, but can be workaholics.

To find out, observe your responds when under pressure. It usually indicates the basic personality type that you control better under more normal circumstances.

If you don’t have a clue as to what personality type you have, show this list to a few trusted colleagues or family members and ask them to categorize you. Don’t be defensive about their responses, even if you disagree. Remember that feedback is a gift that is meant to help. Only by identifying the way your behavior affects others can you make the necessary changes.

Burnout at Work or at Home

· You wake up exhausted after a good night’s sleep.

· You take no pleasure in your activities.

· You have difficulty concentrating.

· Tasks take longer than they used to.

· You are sometimes irritable for no obvious reason.

· You feel “keyed up” all of the time.

· You have ups and downs in your energy level.

· You notice that you keep re-reading the same paragraph.

· You keep misplacing things, forgetting appointments, not remembering what others have just been talking about.

· Everything feels like “too much” and even trivial matters seem monumental.

You are suffering from burnout.

Burnout can be from overwork at the office or it can be from being overextended at home. Single mothers often suffer from burnout¾too many responsibilities with no support. Even married couples can feel burnout with small children at home, a new baby, a demanding job, running a house and the major culprit: the expectation that not only can you do it all, but that you can do it all perfectly.

There is a difference between burnout and depression. Depression is usually not attached to a specific event, is not connected to overload, and continues for an extended period of time. It is characterized by an inability to respond to stimuli, low initiative, and general despondency. It colors all of the person’s life. But burnout, if prolonged can turn into depression.

What is the cure? No, I’m not going to advise you to go to the Caribbean for two weeks and lie in the sun (although that might help) because when you return, if the situation has not changed, then burnout will eventually recur.

You’re not coping with burnout if:

1. You become withdrawn, blaming yourself for not meeting expectations, whether your own or those of others.

2. You get angry, blaming everyone else for your problems, accepting no responsibility for the situation.

3. You deny the stress, keeping a stiff upper lip in spite of feeling terrible. By not admitting how bad you feel, emotional problems can convert into physical symptoms.

You are coping if you try to problem-solve, using others to help you think through whether the unmet expectations that are causing the burnout are realistic.

At work, just because everyone else is on overdrive does not mean you have to be. Are the deadlines self-imposed or do others expect too much? Can the workload be reduced, can resources be added, is the stress time-bound, and will it be reduced in the foreseeable future or will it go on relentlessly with no relief in sight? Who can you talk to in order to shift priorities? Can anything be delegated, postponed, or not done at all? If no help is in sight, you may have to look for another job (never quit one job before finding another, unless you can afford the down time).

Burnout wreaks havoc with our health and should not be allowed to continue for too long unabated.

It’s a different question for burnout at home¾you can’t quit and look for another home with another husband and children who help, are neat, polite, and with enough money for a staff of employees to cook and clean. So, if you have burnout in your own home, get help! Is there a grandmother on your block who will baby-sit in exchange for a small fee? Are there other parents as exhausted as you are with whom you can take turns babysitting each other’s children? If there is a spouse, share chores; if there are older children, teach them how to help.

Both at home and at work, stop every ninety minutes, stretch, drink a cup of tea, sit still for five or ten minutes with you eyes closed, breathe deeply, meditate if you can. Exercising for at least thirty minutes a day helps to reduce stress.

Proper nutrition is critical. Sugar lowers energy levels after an initial short-lived surge. Six to eight hours of sleep are necessary for most people. Don’t watch television until all hours of the night.

Burning the candle at both ends, which many of us do too often, will eventually result in burnout.

Learn to burn that candle one end at a time. The light will last longer.

Lunch with the President

“Mr. President, three years ago I met you at a similar venue and told you then that I worried about you—you answered that you were worried about yourself too—you were a candidate then. I must admit that I have not stopped worrying since and that you are also getting a little too thin.”

This was my opening when I asked the first question at a luncheon held for President Barack Obama last Monday. He laughed and said his wife Michelle agreed with me.

Back in 2007, two weeks after he had announced his candidacy in Springfield, Illinois, Christine Forester, a member of the National Finance Committee, held his first fund raiser in La Jolla in the home of Elizabeth and Mason Phelps. And here we were again, in their home. Mr. Obama remembered that event and thanked them again for opening their lovely house to us all.

The luncheon was held in their large courtyard, covered by a tent, with long tables seating 130 of us. (I counted.) Salads were waiting for us, Chinese noodles over lettuce with pepper and chicken strips catered by Elegant Gourmet. Huge, delicious cookies baked by François, the owner of Girard Gourmet, were decorated with the Obama campaign logo, a circle with a red, white and blue rainbow.

I had expected traffic congestion getting to La Jolla Village Drive and then onto La Jolla Mesa, but the roads were clear as I passed the first check point and arrived at the second checkpoint where there were police on motorcycles and Secret Service agents—all in black suits—who looked into my purse and checked my ID. Golf carts took us the two blocks to the house where a dozen other early arrivals awaited the signal to enter through the large double doors into the foyer. At that third checkpoint we were wanded, and the metal in my hip made it buzz. We waited again until the entrance to the courtyard was flung open to the rows of tables and more black suits surrounding the area.

While we ate our salads, Jared Polis, representative from Colorado and son of Susan and Steve Schutz of La Jolla, spoke to us about the sad state of education in our country. Jared is passionate about the issues facing our nation, he also addressed immigration, trade agreements, the Tea Party and several other topics. He is a wonderful spokesperson for all the things I believe in too and has a great political career in front of him.

We had barely finished our lunches when the President arrived, straight from another such event in San Jose. (He looked fresh. I don’t know how he does it.) His navy-blue suit was impeccable, hopefully the seams were left large enough to make it bigger if he gains the weight back. But then, he’s the President, I guess if the suit becomes too tight, he’ll be able to afford a new one.

A palpable rustle of excitement accompanied his arrival. He really does have a wonderful, contagious smile. He spoke for maybe twenty minutes about the expected topics of immigration, taxes, and healthcare issues, but then said he preferred a discussion. As my seat at the table was a few feet from where he was standing—and I know how to wave my arm—he looked at me and said he would take the first question from the lovely young lady in front of him. I was going to say that I was neither lovely, nor young nor always sure about “lady,” but asked instead about something I was truly wondering about.

I assume, I said, that his staff gives him summaries of all the news media from around the world—he nodded yes—but does he also read in their original the likes of Thomas Freedman, Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, David Brooks, and if yes, what kind of impact do these columnist have on him?

He said he does read them and mentioned that both Freedman and Brooks are good friends and agree with him 80% of the time, but that is not what they write about. Controversy is what makes headlines.

Besides the expected questions regarding our national and global issues, one dealt with the idea of installing a water pipeline to go from flooded areas to draught-affected ones. He thought it would be great, but there is no money for the corps of engineers to build such a pipeline.

One question which struck me was asked by Janice Brown. She wanted to know when he would finally get “pissed off.”

“Now,” he said to great applause.

We also found out that his favorite drink is a martini straight up, but only on Friday and Saturday nights. His favorite movies are the two Godfathers, he likes re-reading Shakespeare, Faulkner, and Hemmingway.

Although there were many more hands up for questions, he had to get on his plane for the next event in Los Angeles. We were asked to wait until he left with his motorcade.

There is a special thrill to be in the presence of the President of the United States, something seems to rub off and make us feel a little bit larger, part of a tight community, part of a proud country, and especially for someone like me, an immigrant who came through Ellis Island not speaking English, the fact that “I Talked to the President” was and is awesome.

Talking Too Much or Not Enough

We have all attended meetings disrupted by someone who takes up all the “air time.” We have also been at meetings where one or more participants do not contribute. This is true whether it is a board meeting, a staff meeting, a faculty meeting, or any meeting in law firms, in hospitals, in corporations, in government agencies, and wherever people meet to discuss the business at hand. As a matter of fact, this can also apply to dinner parties.

Strangely enough, the person who talks too much and the person who talks too little may both suffer from the same problem; they just deal with it in opposite ways.

The person who does not speak may feel he or she has nothing of any value to add or may be uncomfortable interrupting if the discussion is flying at a rapid rate and getting one’s two-cents in means jumping in fast.

Often, it is women who worry that what they have to say will be seen as irrelevant or reveal their ignorance. Most men believe they’re doing well unless criticized, while most women believe they’re not doing well unless praised. As positive feedback is not a norm in most places of work, women don’t know how their contributions are received and therefore are not inclined to risk being wrong by opening their mouths.

This behavior begins in kindergarten when a teacher asks a question and all the little boys’ hands go up whether or not they know the answer. The little girls will only raise their hands when they’re sure they know. As a result, boys are called on more often than girls and get to practice their responses more.

Of course, there are always other possibilities: Non-talkers may be bored out of their wits, have other things on their minds, or think the meeting is a waste of time and do not wish to participate in what they consider futile.

On the opposite end of the scale are the people who won’t shut up. Either they take forever to express a thought or think they have something important to add after each comment by others. Often this person is a higher-up and arrogantly believes that it is his prerogative to continually emit his opinion or hold forth ad nauseam.

But, it is also often people who feel lower down on the totem pole and want to show that they are not as inadequate as they believe others perceive them. They keep talking to reassure themselves and others that they are indeed as knowledgeable as the next person.

What to do? If you’re the leader of such a group, your task is to ask the non-talkers for their opinions and reinforce the validity of the contribution by referring to it. After the meeting, the leader can tell the non-participants privately that their contributions were helpful and appreciated. If there is no leader to perform this task, anyone who notices a silent person can engage them and validate what is then being said.

As a leader in a group with an over-ebullient person, your task is more difficult. How do you shut up someone without offending? If you guess it is a person who speaks out because of feeling inferior, you would use the same tactics of reassurance and support and possibly interrupt by asking others’ opinions. If it is a higher-up who won’t stop talking, you can discreetly, after the meeting, ask for suggestions as to better equalize the air time. Perhaps they can be asked to monitor how much others talk and discuss his or her observations with you.

It is almost impossible to tell someone he or she talks too much without offending. But saying that junior members are unwilling to express their thoughts and feel intimidated because the talker always seems to have something to say about everything, might be a strategy. Asking them to help you encourage others to talk more will give them a role. If it’s a junior member, he or she can be asked to take notes.

Generally, people speak too much or too little for reasons that can be elicited. Responding to the underlying need to either express oneself or to withdraw might solve the problem¾at least in the short run. In the long run, you may have to live with the problem.

Some years ago we were members of a monthly dinner group of several very congenial couples. Unfortunately, one member was totally unaware that she was using up all the air time, talking non-stop. We were all equally annoyed and equally unwilling to hurt this person. If she had known how we all felt, she would have been devastated, so we said nothing and just looked at each other with dismay as she rambled on, non-verbally agreeing with each other that this was irritating, but that we were stuck. In other words, that silent group support helped. This can also help in other such situations where it is hopeless to change behaviors.

However, I believe that allowing this to continue is a disservice to an individual who is unaware of the irritation that such behavior causes. The ultimate consequence is that such people will not be asked to join other groups, be they work groups or social gatherings, and will suffer from the inevitable ostracism.

So the kind, even though difficult, thing to do is to take this person aside and ask whether they are aware of talking more than anyone else. Whatever the answer, this behavior is usually unconscious and responds to some psychological need. This can be brought to consciousness and then dealt with more easily. If the individual becomes defensive and refuses to acknowledge their over-the-top participation, the whole group might have to confront the person with examples of the repercussions of their disruptive behavior. It is important to be aware that criticism should always be constructive and offer an opportunity for growth.

Is Your Relationship Sick?

1. Does your relationship have arthritis? Everything hurts, you do small things to try and help, but there is no cure. Every motion irritates, and there is no letup.

2. Does your relationship have migraines? Even though you are both there, one of you is really absent, lost in some private pain.

3. Does your relationship have blood clots? One of you is stuck doing things that are ineffective or even hurtful, repeating the same pattern over and over.

4. Does your relationship have high blood pressure? One of you is always angry, with a chip on the shoulder, ready to blow off steam at the slightest provocation.

5. Does your relationship have a low pulse rate? You’re both just treading water, lost in apathy, with no joy or fun, only dull routine.

6. Does your relationship suffer from loss of vision? Have you lost sight of the reasons you’re together, the values you share, the goals you had?

7. Is your relationship hearing impaired? Do you pay attention to what each of you says, or do you feel like you’re talking to a wall? Are you sharing your intimate feelings, thoughts, needs, and concerns with each other?

8. Does your relationship experience dizziness:? One of you often changes plans without consulting the other or has mood swings and is unpredictable.

9. Does your relationship have a heart murmur? You long for love to be expressed in words and actions: a flower, an evening out, handholding, an unexpected kiss or hug, an admiring glance, loving whispers.

10. Is your relationship constipated? Everything is held back, held in. No one talks or shares anything. Neither of you knows what the other is thinking nor feeling. You don’t know about each other’s daily experiences.

11. Does your relationship have diarrhea? You talk, but you say nothing—an endless stream of words without substance, chatter with no relevance to anything meaningful.

12. And finally, does your relationship have a spinal-cord injury? Neither of you can stand up straight, say it like it is, shoot from the hip, confront the reality of your situation, or make tough decisions on how to improve matters between you.

If your relationship is sick, what is making it ill? Is there a toxic environment? Are there needs not expressed and therefore not met? Can you help each other by asking what would make your partner happy and then do something about it?

Relationship sickness can be cured, not by Band-Aids, not by antibiotics, but by constant care, constant watchfulness. Better still, sickness can be prevented by constant love.

How do you do it? First, take the time to sit down together and look over the twelve illnesses. Do any fit your relationship? If not, is there something else? Ask each other where it hurts and what would alleviate the pain. Tell each other what you appreciate and what helps and then what the needs are and how these can be fulfilled.

There are four important questions couples should ask and answer:

What would you like me to

Stop?

Start?

Do More of?

Do less of?

Be honest with each other, which means be willing to be vulnerable and express feelings that may be embarrassing, e.g., when you do such…I feel…. Don’t dismiss feelings, thoughts, needs, hopes, fears; examine their validity, acknowledge their impact, and look for ways to help each other.

Then, try the following: Cuddle in bed even for just a minute before getting up. If you both read the paper during breakfast, hold hands for a minute. If either or both of you work, be sure you know where to reach each other—in other words, know each other’s schedule of activities. When you get back together in the evening, inquire not only about the day’s events but reactions to it. (E.g., Were you upset when…? Where you glad that…?) Once in a while, bring home a flower, a favorite candy, a silly object you ran across. Give hugs at the kitchen counter, squeezes in the garage, a kiss in the laundry room, and a frequent “I love you” everywhere else.

This may sound trite, but it works. It costs nothing, is not high risk. Try it, you may like it.

Too Many Choices

For those of you who have not read the article by John Tierney in the New York Times Magazine of August 24, 2011 called, “To Choose Is to Loose.” I would like to summarize some of the main points as I feel it is one of the more important topics I have seen in a long time. The caption under the title reads, “the very act of making decisions depletes our ability to make them well. So how do we navigate a world of endless choices?”

We are not aware during our daily activities of how many choices encumber our brains non-stop. For instance, we start the day with shower or bath, plaid or stripped, regular or decaf, whole eggs or whites only, heels or flats, taxi or subway. Then we continue throughout the day with staple or paperclip, buy now or wait for sale, speak up or keep quiet, paper or plastic, wash or dry-clean, chocolates or flowers, book or magazine, strength training or cardio, keep driving or ask for directions, cash or credit, go out or stay home. The list can go on ad infinitum—it is just a sample of how bombarded we are with constant decision making.

What happens is that our brains get tired. Tierney calls it decision fatigue which explains why ordinarily sensible people buy junk food, splurge on clothes, and let the salesperson talk them into an unneeded upgrade. It is different from physical fatigue, because we’re not aware that our brain is tired and our brain begins to look for short cuts either by acting impulsively, not thinking through consequences, or by saving energy and doing nothing, avoiding making any decision, which could also lead to unintended consequences.

Psychologist Ray F. Baumeister coined the term “ego depletion.” The more energy you use to avoid temptation (such as ordering dessert) the less energy you will have to avoid other temptations, so you may end up eating half that box of chocolates. One of the examples given is registering for wedding gifts—after deciding on flatware, china, glasses, table linens, towels, and sheets, the exhausted couple just pick whatever is displayed, stop making choices, and start asking the salesperson, “What do you suggest?”

The more options—whether buying a car or ordering a suit—the quicker fatigue sets in and so one chooses the default option.

In an experiment involving the timing of paroles given or refused, 1100 decisions were analyzed over the course of a year. Prisoners who appeared in front of the judges early in the morning received parole 70% of the time, while those who appeared later in the day were paroled less than 10% of the time. The fatigued judges chose the default option: remain in jail.

What experimenters tried to do next was to see whether the brain can be made to function even when fatigued, and the answer was glucose. Glucose could reverse the brain’s propensity to stop deciding and give it a burst of energy. This explains the dieter’s problem with willpower. We start off refusing the doughnut for breakfast, but by dinner have no willpower left for the chocolate cake. The Catch-22 is that in order not to eat, the dieter needs willpower, but in order to have willpower, the dieter needs to eat. Baumeister showed that in order to start making good choices again once depleted, people need “a sugary pick-me-up,” but not a beverage containing a diet sweetener.

The prisoners who normally would have that 10% chance of getting paroled by appearing in the afternoon in front of tired judges were taken in front of judges who had just eaten and got approved 60% of the time. I personally don’t know how much choice prisoners have in the timing of their appearances. I’m guessing not much, but according to this research, the judges should find the opportunity to eat a snack before their brains start turning off.

People with the best self-control are the ones who structure their lives so as to conserve willpower. They don’t schedule back-to-back meetings, avoid all-you-can-eat buffets, and instead of having to decide whether to exercise every morning, they schedule it in advance. Even the wisest people won’t make good choices when their glucose is low.

So don’t make decisions late in the day nor on an empty stomach. The best decision makers, Baumeister says, are the ones who know when not to trust themselves. We all now have a good excuse for the piece of chocolate mid-afternoon.