Consumed by Our Consumer Society

THINGS! More things to clutter our desks, our shelves, our homes!

Years ago, on our way to Borrego Springs, just past Dudley’s bakery, we saw a man carving a bear with a chain saw. There were several bears in various stages of completion, some standing, some sitting. One was holding a salmon in his front paws. He was about four feet tall and was almost finished. We stopped and asked if he was for sale. Yes he was, and not too expensive. We gave a deposit and said we would pick him up on our way back home.

The bear is now standing by the front door to my apartment at the White Sands of La Jolla, and I smile at him as I pass by. He gives me pleasure, but did I “need” him? This was, of course, totally “impulse buying.”

Planned purchases require a four-step process. First, there must be an awareness of need or want. Second, there is the search for the object, either by going to a store, looking through a mail-order catalog, or going online. Third, there is the actual act of acquiring the object, which may include bargaining. And fourth, there is the ownership of the object by either using it, wearing it, eating it, looking at it, or listening to it.

Impulse buying has none of these elements—you see it, it sings to you, you want to possess it, you might deliberate for a few seconds about the fact that you don’t really need or maybe you cannot really afford it, and then you buy it anyway because practical factors don’t really play a part in the decision. Acquiring something you want triggers the pleasure centers of your brain.

Some people, mostly collectors, enjoy the hunt, the challenge of finding something rare. They will own the object for a while, then sell it and look for another. Other people are packrats: they like owning a lot of stuff and live in cluttered houses, often to the dismay of their spouses.

I know for myself, when I pass a frozen yogurt place, I stop and indulge even when I’m not hungry. It’s good, so why not? I have read that one should never grocery shop when hungry because one buys on impulse. When my husband and I traveled, we bought souvenirs that ended up gathering dust in unseen corners of the house. Our kids begged us not to bring them anything anymore from exotic places. Tour buses and cruise ships have shopping tours, shopping stopovers, and almost everyone helps the economy of the countries visited, returning home saying, “where shall we put it” or “who can we give this to?”

I remember, as a child in Europe, our families took dominical walks together. We strolled on Sundays enjoying the various parks near Paris. Later, when I had children and lived in Switzerland, families went walking in the surrounding countryside. That was the weekend activity. Today, families go to the mall. When my granddaughter was a teenager, she went to the mall with her friends with nothing special in mind, and they returned with “must have” items such as blue nail polish or another T-shirt. Shopping is now equated with other legitimate leisure activities.

The lines are too often blurred between “need” and “want.” Do I need the sweater in the store window? Probably not. Can I use it? Probably yes. Do I want it? Definitely. So do I buy it? Mail order catalogs, beautifully displayed store windows enticing customers to come in and browse, and ads in newspapers, all beckon us to spend money—to own more. Now we own too much because we are prodded by our environment and our culture to keep buying—to respond to our fleeting desires for this or that not-really-needed object.

We used to go to the local library to borrow books, now we buy them. I remember shortening dresses and skirts when fashions changed and adding hems and borders to lengthen them when the new look was longer. We re-heeled our shoes, darned our socks, and even took our stockings with runs to the woman who specialized in re-weaving them. We made do, it was good enough; perfect was not in our vocabularies. Our aspirations were more limited. We were not bombarded by so many promising ads.

Were we less stressed because of fewer choices, less need to make constant decisions? I do not know, nostalgia creates memory gaps, but I do know that we should all do less shopping, own less, get rid of clutter, and have a life free of too much stuff. Discarding something often feels like a loss and that can trigger stress hormones, which is why it is so hard to get rid of things. So far I am a failed minimalist.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

The Bully at Home

This is for all my readers who live with bullies. Not the kind in the schoolyard who beat up on littler kids, but the one who sleeps in your bed and sits at your breakfast table and takes you to the movies. In other words, I’m talking about loved ones. Not the stereotype of the hulking man with beer belly, swear words, and a quick hand, but the gentle doctor, the charming lawyer, the suave CEO.

One thinks of bullies as mostly male, but a women can also hit, scream, and use abusive language to control their families. So, too, can parents with children and adult children with aging parents. It can be “Don’t get Daddy angry” as well as “Don’t upset mother.”

I have seen it too often and heard about it too frequently to dismiss the phenomenon of the seemingly decent person who turns into a bully in the privacy of the home. This kind of bully doesn’t hit, there is no physical abuse, but the emotional abuse is just as damaging because it is so relentless and insidious. Often the victim is not even aware of being emotionally harassed. The target is told that she’s incompetent or that he did this stupid thing again, that what he says is ridiculous or all her attempts to please, to placate, to endear herself to the angry and critical tormenter fail dismally.

People in this situation feel there is something wrong inside themselves: they must be inept and deficient in some way, or why would someone who loves them always diminish and, make them feel irrelevant? The bully must know something they don’t, and so they flail about unhappily. They become depressed, have headaches, backaches, or stomach problems, and see no way out. When the victim finally has had enough and tells the person not to yell, not to scream at the children, the intimidator shouts even more, reducing the victim to tears or a knotted stomach. Everyone tiptoes around the oppressor, whispering, and trying to avoid attracting attention and the pain that comes with it.

If victims threaten to leave, the bully becomes contrite, promising not to get angry or out of control, and they believe and stay, only to face abuse again a few days, weeks, or months later. The cycle repeats itself endlessly, making the object of the abuse feel crazy.

Often friends don’t know—that sweet man, an abuser, an emotional batterer? But the bully’s underlings at work often do know about the hot temper and either quit or also endure psychosomatic symptoms from coping with this irrational behavior. The unpredictability of moods reinforces the fear of never knowing what to expect.

What to do? It is not easy, especially for someone not used to defending oneself, but, at some point, you have to fight against being demeaned, diminished, made to feel stupid, or being bullied in any way. No one can live healthily without respect.

The next time you are shouted at, calmly say, “I will not be yelled at. When you talk to me decently, I will listen,” and leave the room. The next time you are bullied, say, “I don’t need to hear this,” and leave the room. The next time you are irrationally criticized, say, “That’s your opinion, I don’t agree with you and don’t wish to continue arguing about it,” and leave the room. Finally, you may wish to threaten ending the relationship unless your loved one agrees to see a health professional to help manage the anger. All this is not foolproof. It may work, and I have seen success, but it can also backfire, creating more anger and even bodily harm or an eventual split.

No one needs to subject oneself to abuse, not from a spouse, parents, children, boss, or anyone else. It is emotionally draining and leads to the depletion of self-esteem as well as mental and physical health.

There is little incentive for the bully to change the manipulative behaviors if it works—so the strategy is to not succumb to it, but to resist it. The victim has to change before the abuser can. It is only when the bullies have no willing victim that they have a reason to control mean outbursts and behaviors.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Downsizing!

What is everyone I know tearing their hair out about? Too much stuff: overflowing closets, drawers, garages…. We all need to downsize, but how to begin?

A cluttered home is the single most used excuse for not be able to move by people wishing to go to smaller quarters or to a retirement community. It is time to reflect, regroup, and organize our lives so that we can age with the least amount of stress for ourselves and our families. Looking at a house full of stuff is daunting indeed, we don’t know where to begin, so we just don’t!

Our children don’t want it, neither do the grandchildren. They have no desire for the lovely crystal glasses or the gold-rimmed dishes that should not go into the dishwasher. Don’t feel rejected, it is a different time with a different lifestyle, a more casual one.

I remember the house my mother died in at age 96—she had lived there for over sixty years. It was a confusion of stuff—wonderful souvenirs mixed in with tax returns from over fifty years ago and children’s letters with old receipts. Sorting through and deciding what to hold on to and what to discard was exhausting and painful. Furniture no one wanted, paintings from known and unknown artists, lovely clothes which were too small for me, what to do?

Today I worry that after I die my children will have the same nightmare of dealing with my thirty photo albums and hundreds of beloved books. I imagine them sifting through hundreds of sundry items: the beautiful ashtray no one has needed in decades, the cute wooden penguin from Antarctica, the rag doll I made from a mop…. You get the idea.

We must start downsizing while still healthy enough to do it, or it will be done for us or without us. Why is it so difficult? Every object has a memory, and memories are a part of us; discarding an object is losing the memory. It need not be so. Take a photo and you can keep the memory, or give it to someone you visit and you will see it again. Your discarded objects may have a new life as someone else’s treasure. Have you ever talked to your children and grandchildren about your life, about the history of some of the objects in your home? Many things have stories attached; share these memories, and they will become part of your legacy.

Those who have been able to get down to just what they need or really, really cherish say they feel liberated, a thousand-pound weight has been lifted from their shoulders.

But most of us look at everything we own and feel despair; the task is too monumental. So we postpone and postpone, feel defeated and guilty. I know I do when I look at my file drawers knowing how many useless papers are residing there, and yet, instead of starting to sort, I find something supposedly more important to do.

There are two strategies to help us get rid of clutter: one is the piecemeal way, and the other is to do it all in one day or week.

If you feel you can’t get yourself going, set aside thirty minutes or an hour a day to work, or do it by territory: one drawer today, one-half a closet tomorrow, one corner of the living room the next day…. By limiting yourself to something small and easily achievable, it is possible to break a large task into segments.

If this feels like an endless process, then go for the “in one swoop” strategy. You will need help; your children are wonderful for this task, so are good friends. You work as a team making decisions as you go along. For this strategy you will need five categories:

1. Trash and recycling

2. Give away to specific people or donate to charity

3. Sell (E-bay or garage sale)

4. Keep (only if needed or really beloved)

5. Can’t decide (keep this small and give yourself a firm date to make final decisions or everything you own will go into this category)

You will need garbage bags, boxes, and tags for large objects like furniture.

Now all you have to do is decide to do it. It is a mind set, so set your mind, bite the bullet, and roll up your sleeves. You will be amazed at how much lighter you feel and how grateful your children will be. And be sure to throw this column away as soon as you’re finished with downsizing.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Life after Graduation

Graduating seniors, know that life is a series of stepping stones. You are leaving a very special stepping stone, that of school, of learning from teachers and from books in academic settings, acquiring knowledge fed to you. And now, you are climbing onto a stepping stone where you will be on your own.

Never stop reading, researching, and asking questions, always remain curious and keep learning. This is the learning curve you will be on forever. To keep learning, do this until the day you die: go everywhere (and I mean everywhere!) and experience as much as you can. Grab any opportunity to travel, look for opportunities to meet someone interesting, attend a lecture, go to a conference, or visit a distant friend or relative.

Do anything to get out of your comfort zone, try everything. Agree to do things you don’t know how to do, and you will learn as you go. Take risks. One of my mottos is “identify the fear and then go there.” Yes, with doubts, a pounding heart, a dry mouth, and butterflies in your stomach, but go and do the best you can. If you fall flat on your face, get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. It just becomes part of the experience of that step you just left behind. If you never fail it means you are not taking risks.

Always remember that no matter where you are—no matter how dismal, difficult, or painful—it is just a stepping stone on the way to better things. You have one foot in the present and the other is up in the air ready to step up to the future. What you learn on each step becomes part of your accumulated knowledge. Everything you learn is transferable and applicable to what you will need to do next. You don’t have to linger on an unpleasant step with a bad job or bad relationship, move on and be pleased that you have put one more notch of experience on your belt.

You are not stuck, there is always that next rung. Some are higher than others, some take you sideways. You may hop easily or have to clamber up on your hands and knees, but your future is there, waiting for you. Seize every chance to learn what you can in these hard times, so you are poised to leap forward when an opportunity presents itself.

While on your journey of both failed and successful experiments, take time for quiet reflection. It is essential to learn from these experiences to reassess and look inward. You will need to find out who you are and how you are changing as you move along those stepping stones. Give your brain a chance to reconfigure and optimize.

Many people will advise you to find mentors, however it is just as important to be a mentor. No matter where you currently are on these stepping stones, there are those who are struggling behind or next to you who need a hand to be pulled forward or sometimes just to hold for a while. Be the one who gives credit when due, who gives advice and encourages, who can be relied upon to be helpful when needed. No matter how low you are on the ladder of life, there is someone below you just as there is someone above—and both are equally important. Be involved in your community—making friends, volunteering, and providing service where needed.

While all this may seem overwhelming, it is not something you do tomorrow in one fell swoop, it is a philosophy of life, a way of being, always ready for the next adventure.

So now, young women and men, throw your caps high up in the air, let the wind catch them and fling them far away, your journey has begun, have a great trip!