The Bully at Home

This is for all my readers who live with bullies. Not the kind in the schoolyard who beat up on littler kids, but the one who sleeps in your bed and sits at your breakfast table and takes you to the movies. In other words, I’m talking about loved ones. Not the stereotype of the hulking man with beer belly, swear words, and a quick hand, but the gentle doctor, the charming lawyer, the suave CEO.

One thinks of bullies as mostly male, but a women can also hit, scream, and use abusive language to control their families. So, too, can parents with children and adult children with aging parents. It can be “Don’t get Daddy angry” as well as “Don’t upset mother.”

I have seen it too often and heard about it too frequently to dismiss the phenomenon of the seemingly decent person who turns into a bully in the privacy of the home. This kind of bully doesn’t hit, there is no physical abuse, but the emotional abuse is just as damaging because it is so relentless and insidious. Often the victim is not even aware of being emotionally harassed. The target is told that she’s incompetent or that he did this stupid thing again, that what he says is ridiculous or all her attempts to please, to placate, to endear herself to the angry and critical tormenter fail dismally.

People in this situation feel there is something wrong inside themselves: they must be inept and deficient in some way, or why would someone who loves them always diminish and, make them feel irrelevant? The bully must know something they don’t, and so they flail about unhappily. They become depressed, have headaches, backaches, or stomach problems, and see no way out. When the victim finally has had enough and tells the person not to yell, not to scream at the children, the intimidator shouts even more, reducing the victim to tears or a knotted stomach. Everyone tiptoes around the oppressor, whispering, and trying to avoid attracting attention and the pain that comes with it.

If victims threaten to leave, the bully becomes contrite, promising not to get angry or out of control, and they believe and stay, only to face abuse again a few days, weeks, or months later. The cycle repeats itself endlessly, making the object of the abuse feel crazy.

Often friends don’t know—that sweet man, an abuser, an emotional batterer? But the bully’s underlings at work often do know about the hot temper and either quit or also endure psychosomatic symptoms from coping with this irrational behavior. The unpredictability of moods reinforces the fear of never knowing what to expect.

What to do? It is not easy, especially for someone not used to defending oneself, but, at some point, you have to fight against being demeaned, diminished, made to feel stupid, or being bullied in any way. No one can live healthily without respect.

The next time you are shouted at, calmly say, “I will not be yelled at. When you talk to me decently, I will listen,” and leave the room. The next time you are bullied, say, “I don’t need to hear this,” and leave the room. The next time you are irrationally criticized, say, “That’s your opinion, I don’t agree with you and don’t wish to continue arguing about it,” and leave the room. Finally, you may wish to threaten ending the relationship unless your loved one agrees to see a health professional to help manage the anger. All this is not foolproof. It may work, and I have seen success, but it can also backfire, creating more anger and even bodily harm or an eventual split.

No one needs to subject oneself to abuse, not from a spouse, parents, children, boss, or anyone else. It is emotionally draining and leads to the depletion of self-esteem as well as mental and physical health.

There is little incentive for the bully to change the manipulative behaviors if it works—so the strategy is to not succumb to it, but to resist it. The victim has to change before the abuser can. It is only when the bullies have no willing victim that they have a reason to control mean outbursts and behaviors.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Downsizing!

What is everyone I know tearing their hair out about? Too much stuff: overflowing closets, drawers, garages…. We all need to downsize, but how to begin?

A cluttered home is the single most used excuse for not be able to move by people wishing to go to smaller quarters or to a retirement community. It is time to reflect, regroup, and organize our lives so that we can age with the least amount of stress for ourselves and our families. Looking at a house full of stuff is daunting indeed, we don’t know where to begin, so we just don’t!

Our children don’t want it, neither do the grandchildren. They have no desire for the lovely crystal glasses or the gold-rimmed dishes that should not go into the dishwasher. Don’t feel rejected, it is a different time with a different lifestyle, a more casual one.

I remember the house my mother died in at age 96—she had lived there for over sixty years. It was a confusion of stuff—wonderful souvenirs mixed in with tax returns from over fifty years ago and children’s letters with old receipts. Sorting through and deciding what to hold on to and what to discard was exhausting and painful. Furniture no one wanted, paintings from known and unknown artists, lovely clothes which were too small for me, what to do?

Today I worry that after I die my children will have the same nightmare of dealing with my thirty photo albums and hundreds of beloved books. I imagine them sifting through hundreds of sundry items: the beautiful ashtray no one has needed in decades, the cute wooden penguin from Antarctica, the rag doll I made from a mop…. You get the idea.

We must start downsizing while still healthy enough to do it, or it will be done for us or without us. Why is it so difficult? Every object has a memory, and memories are a part of us; discarding an object is losing the memory. It need not be so. Take a photo and you can keep the memory, or give it to someone you visit and you will see it again. Your discarded objects may have a new life as someone else’s treasure. Have you ever talked to your children and grandchildren about your life, about the history of some of the objects in your home? Many things have stories attached; share these memories, and they will become part of your legacy.

Those who have been able to get down to just what they need or really, really cherish say they feel liberated, a thousand-pound weight has been lifted from their shoulders.

But most of us look at everything we own and feel despair; the task is too monumental. So we postpone and postpone, feel defeated and guilty. I know I do when I look at my file drawers knowing how many useless papers are residing there, and yet, instead of starting to sort, I find something supposedly more important to do.

There are two strategies to help us get rid of clutter: one is the piecemeal way, and the other is to do it all in one day or week.

If you feel you can’t get yourself going, set aside thirty minutes or an hour a day to work, or do it by territory: one drawer today, one-half a closet tomorrow, one corner of the living room the next day…. By limiting yourself to something small and easily achievable, it is possible to break a large task into segments.

If this feels like an endless process, then go for the “in one swoop” strategy. You will need help; your children are wonderful for this task, so are good friends. You work as a team making decisions as you go along. For this strategy you will need five categories:

1. Trash and recycling

2. Give away to specific people or donate to charity

3. Sell (E-bay or garage sale)

4. Keep (only if needed or really beloved)

5. Can’t decide (keep this small and give yourself a firm date to make final decisions or everything you own will go into this category)

You will need garbage bags, boxes, and tags for large objects like furniture.

Now all you have to do is decide to do it. It is a mind set, so set your mind, bite the bullet, and roll up your sleeves. You will be amazed at how much lighter you feel and how grateful your children will be. And be sure to throw this column away as soon as you’re finished with downsizing.

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.

Life after Graduation

Graduating seniors, know that life is a series of stepping stones. You are leaving a very special stepping stone, that of school, of learning from teachers and from books in academic settings, acquiring knowledge fed to you. And now, you are climbing onto a stepping stone where you will be on your own.

Never stop reading, researching, and asking questions, always remain curious and keep learning. This is the learning curve you will be on forever. To keep learning, do this until the day you die: go everywhere (and I mean everywhere!) and experience as much as you can. Grab any opportunity to travel, look for opportunities to meet someone interesting, attend a lecture, go to a conference, or visit a distant friend or relative.

Do anything to get out of your comfort zone, try everything. Agree to do things you don’t know how to do, and you will learn as you go. Take risks. One of my mottos is “identify the fear and then go there.” Yes, with doubts, a pounding heart, a dry mouth, and butterflies in your stomach, but go and do the best you can. If you fall flat on your face, get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. It just becomes part of the experience of that step you just left behind. If you never fail it means you are not taking risks.

Always remember that no matter where you are—no matter how dismal, difficult, or painful—it is just a stepping stone on the way to better things. You have one foot in the present and the other is up in the air ready to step up to the future. What you learn on each step becomes part of your accumulated knowledge. Everything you learn is transferable and applicable to what you will need to do next. You don’t have to linger on an unpleasant step with a bad job or bad relationship, move on and be pleased that you have put one more notch of experience on your belt.

You are not stuck, there is always that next rung. Some are higher than others, some take you sideways. You may hop easily or have to clamber up on your hands and knees, but your future is there, waiting for you. Seize every chance to learn what you can in these hard times, so you are poised to leap forward when an opportunity presents itself.

While on your journey of both failed and successful experiments, take time for quiet reflection. It is essential to learn from these experiences to reassess and look inward. You will need to find out who you are and how you are changing as you move along those stepping stones. Give your brain a chance to reconfigure and optimize.

Many people will advise you to find mentors, however it is just as important to be a mentor. No matter where you currently are on these stepping stones, there are those who are struggling behind or next to you who need a hand to be pulled forward or sometimes just to hold for a while. Be the one who gives credit when due, who gives advice and encourages, who can be relied upon to be helpful when needed. No matter how low you are on the ladder of life, there is someone below you just as there is someone above—and both are equally important. Be involved in your community—making friends, volunteering, and providing service where needed.

While all this may seem overwhelming, it is not something you do tomorrow in one fell swoop, it is a philosophy of life, a way of being, always ready for the next adventure.

So now, young women and men, throw your caps high up in the air, let the wind catch them and fling them far away, your journey has begun, have a great trip!

The Art and Skill of Negotiation

Whether you’re buying a new car, trying to get the best deal from your suppliers, debating whether your company should invest in a real estate deal, or just discussing how to spend your next paycheck with your spouse—you are negotiating.

In order to negotiate successfully, you need to get enough of what you want and your partner needs to get enough of what he or she wants so both of you feel satisfied with the outcome, perhaps not exhilarated, but satisfied. In order to achieve this, you need to identify two elements: first, your own negotiation style, and second, the style of your negotiating partner, or foe as the case may be.

To identify your own style, think back on how you handled making requests when you were a child—when you wanted your first bike or asked to stay up late. Then try to remember with whom you were negotiating, what was your strategy, and did it work? Chances are that your style today is influenced by your early experiences with negotiation. Were you listened to, dealt with fairly, or ignored and denied?

Were the people in authority in your early life the models you use today for dealing with potential conflict? What were their styles? Try to remember specific incidents and visualize yourself and the other in a negotiation stance. There you are, a small child, standing in front of a large adult, perhaps your father. You want to go over to a friend’s house. Perhaps at first your father doesn’t even notice you, he’s reading the paper. You insist, he asks if your homework is done, you say yes. Still he hesitates, you press on, knowing that to insist too much will irritate him, so you plead, give reasons, cajole him. Finally he lets you go. You may have learned a negotiation style that works with your father¾pleading. But that style may not be appropriate in your dealings as an adult. Observe yourself and identify your style¾you will learn a lot about yourself.

It is important to identify your usual strategies so that you can decide whether your style is effective or not, and if not, change it to suit the situation and the style of the person you’re negotiating with. This is situational negotiation.

The people you negotiate with fall into four main categories: bulldozers, fact finders, jumping jacks, and doormats.

When you’re with bulldozers, speed is of the essence; they will only read short memos and summaries, so talk fast and to the point. Bulldozers are aggressive and use attack tactics. You’re not the target, it is how they do business.

On the opposite end of the scale are the fact finders. They should be presented with a lot of material beforehand¾thoroughness is their thing. If pushed too fast they will withdraw, which is just a defense tactic, not a rejection of you or the idea. You must have a lot of patience with fact finders. While bulldozers say “what,” fact finders say “how.” Don’t ever use the word “approximately” and don’t ever surprise a data lover.

Negotiating with jumping jacks is different. As their name implies, they jump around, change topics, and love to talk about themselves. They have high energy, but a short attention span. Jumping jacks require a lot of attention. You’ll need to build a relationship with them, break bread, and ask about their families. Jumping jacks always want something extra “thrown into the deal.” Be prepared for that, and don’t expect consistency.

Then finally, there are the “doormats.” These people are uncomfortable with conflict and strong opinions. The problem with “doormats” is that they have trouble committing themselves to anything, or saying what they want, so you have to push gently for an answer, opinion, or position. Use inclusive words like “we” and “us” and set time limits for making the decision. This is also known as the “OK person” style of negotiation. They say yes to everything, nod and smile a lot, and then don’t sign the contract or don’t show up when expected. They may feel that it is impolite to refuse a request or to simply say “no.”

You can figure out negotiation styles by observing people: who wants quick answers, who requests a lot of explanations, who won’t stay focused, and who is non-committal. You too fall into one of these categories or a combination of them. Figure out your style so that you can negotiate successfully by learning to adapt to the style of others. This, by the way, applies equally well at home as at work.

Any negotiation includes two styles working together—theirs and yours—becoming aware of both will help you deal better with any situation.

Chasing My Own Tail

The latest brain research—I should know something about it. The political rally—I should support the cause. A lecture on…whatever—I’m afraid to miss an opportunity to learn something. And so it goes: read the latest book—see the well-reviewed movie—attend the informative lecture—use the latest technology—do volunteer work—join the committee, the board, the council—be there, go for it. I’m resigned to never be caught up and always feel somehow guilty that I’m not trying harder to do so.

The question is why, when I could stay peacefully at home? What am I driven by? Is it unquenchable curiosity? Is it an addiction to new information, for the thrill of new experience, for the need to be needed, to be a contributor, or for the pleasure of helping or making a difference? Is it to learn one more thing in order to be a more interesting dinner companion? Or is it to feel better about myself—to fill a gap which will finally make me an OK person, able to measure up to some undefined and indefinable standard.

So many of us have lost “down time,” the ability to sit and do nothing—nothing but think, letting thoughts wander, contemplate our lives—where we are going, where we want to go, process recent events and conversations, re-prioritize—knowing that whatever we decide today we can reconsider tomorrow and should do so regularly. We have stopped taking the time to relax: breathe deep, meditate, stay in the flow, take a walk, pick a flower, eat some chocolate, make a cup of tea and sip it slowly, listen to music, read something for pleasure, call a friend and just chat.

I don’t do any of these things, running from one thing to another, back-to-back with no breathing room in between. Some people smoke, drink, do drugs, or overeat in order to feel better. I do “rushing around.” Distraction for the sake of distraction. And what does this continuing distraction achieve? It hides loneliness and keeps me from looking within, facing myself, talking the time for real connections with people. I check my e-mail while talking on the phone, and neither gets the proper attention. Research on multitasking has shown it to be counterproductive—neither task is done well and the potential pleasure from the work is dissipated. One more thing just gets checked off on my to-do list.

I know I am not the only one on this merry-go-round. The complaint that our lives consist almost entirely of going from one thing to another—back-to-back is pervasive, yet no one seems to be able to let go. In an informal survey of people I met while in meetings, lectures, and social engagements, I was told over and over again how difficult it is for people to say “no” to requests—be they to join a committee, help with a project, or accept invitations. People often confuse rejection of the activity or invitation with rejection of the person doing the asking. We want to be liked and to be seen as friendly and helpful.

I have been doing this since my husband died, and it is time to reconsider the effectiveness of this too-much-ness. Part of me does like living on an endless learning curve, but what is lost is time for reassessment, quiet time.

So here are the questions to ask ourselves about each activity we add to, or keep on, our schedules—Why am I doing this? What do I hope to accomplish? Is it important and does it fit into my life as I wish it to be? What would happen if I did not do it? What would I do instead?

Of course the answer could be a plain—“I am doing it because it’s fun.” And that is reason enough. Doing things for fun is important for our immune system.

So I urge all of you out there who are breathless to enter “do nothing” time in your daily calendar. And you have to do it without guilt—you are not wasting time, you are nourishing your depleted brain, which feeds on new neural connections being formed by all these adventures but must also take the time to integrate them all into its complex circuitry.

Maybe amazing thoughts will occur to you during your “doing nothing” time, maybe your heart rate will slow down, maybe you will indulge in some sweet reverie of a long-forgotten memory, maybe….

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.