I
often hear from friends who complain about their children who work with them in
the family business. I also hear from their children, some of whom are young
adults, others are middle-aged, complaining bitterly about over-supervision and
a lack of autonomy and trust. One young woman with an MBA told me that her
mother checks up on her work more than she does on that of any other employee.
What
is going on?
One
may well ask whether it is the children who cannot accept any authority from
the parent whom they so recently struggled to gain some independence from, or
whether, indeed, it is the parents who cannot let go of controlling their
child?
Let
us examine the dynamics of both possibilities.
One
of the major tasks of growing up is growing away from one’s parents. For young
people to be able to stand on their own two feet, they must be able to
differentiate themselves from their parents. They need to test parental value
systems, lifestyles, beliefs, and goals in order to see if these fit their own
values and styles. They do this by trying out different beliefs, new ways of
living, and by having friends that their parents disapprove of. We call this
adolescent rebellion.
Even
though the child may be well beyond the so-called “rebellious years,” remnants
of this effort to distance oneself may remain. Even when I was in my mid-70s
and my mother was in her mid-90s, I still sometimes startled at the strength of
my reactions when she criticized me. This is a parent-child dynamic that lasts
a lifetime.
So
it is no wonder that a child may resist any parental attempt—no matter how
legitimate—to control. It may be a helpful suggestion that is taken as
criticism or a mild criticism that is perceived as strong disapproval. The push
for autonomy from one’s parents is so strong that any supervision is felt as
overly controlling.
Children
want to please their parents and care so much for what they think that they
exaggerate—in their own minds—any parental reaction that is less than
absolutely positive. Every child, from infancy through adulthood, wears a
little invisible sign around his or her neck that says: “Mom, Dad, please
admire me!”
The
other possibility, that indeed the parent is a very difficult boss, should also
be explored. As children grow older, it is difficult to see them as adults. I
still give unsolicited psychological advice to my 62-year-old daughter who has
a Ph.D. in psychology and business advice to my 60-year-old son with an MBA
from Harvard.
Parents
remember all the foolish things their kids used to say and do and still
attribute that potential to their grown sons and daughters. They still believe
that their own judgment must be better than their child’s.
Parents
do tend to over-supervise their own children. Whereas a mother or father may
overlook an employee’s minor errors, they would notice every mistake their son
or daughter made and overreact. In other words, the expectations of performance
are higher for children, thus placing additional burdens on these children who
feel under observation all of the time. If children do well, it’s a chip off
the old block. If they don’t, then it is perceived as an embarrassing
reflection on the parent.
Some
parents exaggerate their children’s achievements and give them responsibilities
too soon: some parents underrate their children and continue to keep them in
subordinate positions longer than is warranted. Either way, it has little to do
with reality. Also, other employees often believe that bosses’ children are
unfairly given advantages and may resent it, adding to the problem.
Also
if the child takes a position different from the parent, that parent may feel
betrayed. Family loyalty and affection
get confused with work decisions.
Parents
generally have trouble giving up control, and when it’s time to retire many
stay on becoming burdens to their children—who would normally pension-off aging
employees but cannot because it’s Mom or Dad.
If
relationships at work are too fraught with tension, it may be important to the
child to prove him- or herself elsewhere, before the parent can accept that
child as a valuable member of the team.
There
is really only one solution to the problems of parents and children in the same
business. It is to talk openly about the one’s need for control and the other’s
need for autonomy. There must be constant reassurance about loyalty,
commitment, and love. Although these should not be at stake because of a
difference of opinion, they often are.
My Mother Complains That
I’ve gained weight
my hair isn’t right
my dress is unbecoming
I wasn’t polite
it matters not
that she complains
what matters
is that it still matters
Copyright © 2012. Natasha
Josefowitz. All rights reserved.
