The Art and Skill of Negotiation

Whether you’re buying a new car, trying to get the best deal from your suppliers, debating whether your company should invest in a real estate deal, or just discussing how to spend your next paycheck with your spouse—you are negotiating.

In order to negotiate successfully, you need to get enough of what you want and your partner needs to get enough of what he or she wants so both of you feel satisfied with the outcome, perhaps not exhilarated, but satisfied. In order to achieve this, you need to identify two elements: first, your own negotiation style, and second, the style of your negotiating partner, or foe as the case may be.

To identify your own style, think back on how you handled making requests when you were a child—when you wanted your first bike or asked to stay up late. Then try to remember with whom you were negotiating, what was your strategy, and did it work? Chances are that your style today is influenced by your early experiences with negotiation. Were you listened to, dealt with fairly, or ignored and denied?

Were the people in authority in your early life the models you use today for dealing with potential conflict? What were their styles? Try to remember specific incidents and visualize yourself and the other in a negotiation stance. There you are, a small child, standing in front of a large adult, perhaps your father. You want to go over to a friend’s house. Perhaps at first your father doesn’t even notice you, he’s reading the paper. You insist, he asks if your homework is done, you say yes. Still he hesitates, you press on, knowing that to insist too much will irritate him, so you plead, give reasons, cajole him. Finally he lets you go. You may have learned a negotiation style that works with your father¾pleading. But that style may not be appropriate in your dealings as an adult. Observe yourself and identify your style¾you will learn a lot about yourself.

It is important to identify your usual strategies so that you can decide whether your style is effective or not, and if not, change it to suit the situation and the style of the person you’re negotiating with. This is situational negotiation.

The people you negotiate with fall into four main categories: bulldozers, fact finders, jumping jacks, and doormats.

When you’re with bulldozers, speed is of the essence; they will only read short memos and summaries, so talk fast and to the point. Bulldozers are aggressive and use attack tactics. You’re not the target, it is how they do business.

On the opposite end of the scale are the fact finders. They should be presented with a lot of material beforehand¾thoroughness is their thing. If pushed too fast they will withdraw, which is just a defense tactic, not a rejection of you or the idea. You must have a lot of patience with fact finders. While bulldozers say “what,” fact finders say “how.” Don’t ever use the word “approximately” and don’t ever surprise a data lover.

Negotiating with jumping jacks is different. As their name implies, they jump around, change topics, and love to talk about themselves. They have high energy, but a short attention span. Jumping jacks require a lot of attention. You’ll need to build a relationship with them, break bread, and ask about their families. Jumping jacks always want something extra “thrown into the deal.” Be prepared for that, and don’t expect consistency.

Then finally, there are the “doormats.” These people are uncomfortable with conflict and strong opinions. The problem with “doormats” is that they have trouble committing themselves to anything, or saying what they want, so you have to push gently for an answer, opinion, or position. Use inclusive words like “we” and “us” and set time limits for making the decision. This is also known as the “OK person” style of negotiation. They say yes to everything, nod and smile a lot, and then don’t sign the contract or don’t show up when expected. They may feel that it is impolite to refuse a request or to simply say “no.”

You can figure out negotiation styles by observing people: who wants quick answers, who requests a lot of explanations, who won’t stay focused, and who is non-committal. You too fall into one of these categories or a combination of them. Figure out your style so that you can negotiate successfully by learning to adapt to the style of others. This, by the way, applies equally well at home as at work.

Any negotiation includes two styles working together—theirs and yours—becoming aware of both will help you deal better with any situation.

Chasing My Own Tail

The latest brain research—I should know something about it. The political rally—I should support the cause. A lecture on…whatever—I’m afraid to miss an opportunity to learn something. And so it goes: read the latest book—see the well-reviewed movie—attend the informative lecture—use the latest technology—do volunteer work—join the committee, the board, the council—be there, go for it. I’m resigned to never be caught up and always feel somehow guilty that I’m not trying harder to do so.

The question is why, when I could stay peacefully at home? What am I driven by? Is it unquenchable curiosity? Is it an addiction to new information, for the thrill of new experience, for the need to be needed, to be a contributor, or for the pleasure of helping or making a difference? Is it to learn one more thing in order to be a more interesting dinner companion? Or is it to feel better about myself—to fill a gap which will finally make me an OK person, able to measure up to some undefined and indefinable standard.

So many of us have lost “down time,” the ability to sit and do nothing—nothing but think, letting thoughts wander, contemplate our lives—where we are going, where we want to go, process recent events and conversations, re-prioritize—knowing that whatever we decide today we can reconsider tomorrow and should do so regularly. We have stopped taking the time to relax: breathe deep, meditate, stay in the flow, take a walk, pick a flower, eat some chocolate, make a cup of tea and sip it slowly, listen to music, read something for pleasure, call a friend and just chat.

I don’t do any of these things, running from one thing to another, back-to-back with no breathing room in between. Some people smoke, drink, do drugs, or overeat in order to feel better. I do “rushing around.” Distraction for the sake of distraction. And what does this continuing distraction achieve? It hides loneliness and keeps me from looking within, facing myself, talking the time for real connections with people. I check my e-mail while talking on the phone, and neither gets the proper attention. Research on multitasking has shown it to be counterproductive—neither task is done well and the potential pleasure from the work is dissipated. One more thing just gets checked off on my to-do list.

I know I am not the only one on this merry-go-round. The complaint that our lives consist almost entirely of going from one thing to another—back-to-back is pervasive, yet no one seems to be able to let go. In an informal survey of people I met while in meetings, lectures, and social engagements, I was told over and over again how difficult it is for people to say “no” to requests—be they to join a committee, help with a project, or accept invitations. People often confuse rejection of the activity or invitation with rejection of the person doing the asking. We want to be liked and to be seen as friendly and helpful.

I have been doing this since my husband died, and it is time to reconsider the effectiveness of this too-much-ness. Part of me does like living on an endless learning curve, but what is lost is time for reassessment, quiet time.

So here are the questions to ask ourselves about each activity we add to, or keep on, our schedules—Why am I doing this? What do I hope to accomplish? Is it important and does it fit into my life as I wish it to be? What would happen if I did not do it? What would I do instead?

Of course the answer could be a plain—“I am doing it because it’s fun.” And that is reason enough. Doing things for fun is important for our immune system.

So I urge all of you out there who are breathless to enter “do nothing” time in your daily calendar. And you have to do it without guilt—you are not wasting time, you are nourishing your depleted brain, which feeds on new neural connections being formed by all these adventures but must also take the time to integrate them all into its complex circuitry.

Maybe amazing thoughts will occur to you during your “doing nothing” time, maybe your heart rate will slow down, maybe you will indulge in some sweet reverie of a long-forgotten memory, maybe….

Copyright © 2012. Natasha Josefowitz. All rights reserved.