Burnout at Work or at Home

· You wake up exhausted after a good night’s sleep.

· You take no pleasure in your activities.

· You have difficulty concentrating.

· Tasks take longer than they used to.

· You are sometimes irritable for no obvious reason.

· You feel “keyed up” all of the time.

· You have ups and downs in your energy level.

· You notice that you keep re-reading the same paragraph.

· You keep misplacing things, forgetting appointments, not remembering what others have just been talking about.

· Everything feels like “too much” and even trivial matters seem monumental.

You are suffering from burnout.

Burnout can be from overwork at the office or it can be from being overextended at home. Single mothers often suffer from burnout¾too many responsibilities with no support. Even married couples can feel burnout with small children at home, a new baby, a demanding job, running a house and the major culprit: the expectation that not only can you do it all, but that you can do it all perfectly.

There is a difference between burnout and depression. Depression is usually not attached to a specific event, is not connected to overload, and continues for an extended period of time. It is characterized by an inability to respond to stimuli, low initiative, and general despondency. It colors all of the person’s life. But burnout, if prolonged can turn into depression.

What is the cure? No, I’m not going to advise you to go to the Caribbean for two weeks and lie in the sun (although that might help) because when you return, if the situation has not changed, then burnout will eventually recur.

You’re not coping with burnout if:

1. You become withdrawn, blaming yourself for not meeting expectations, whether your own or those of others.

2. You get angry, blaming everyone else for your problems, accepting no responsibility for the situation.

3. You deny the stress, keeping a stiff upper lip in spite of feeling terrible. By not admitting how bad you feel, emotional problems can convert into physical symptoms.

You are coping if you try to problem-solve, using others to help you think through whether the unmet expectations that are causing the burnout are realistic.

At work, just because everyone else is on overdrive does not mean you have to be. Are the deadlines self-imposed or do others expect too much? Can the workload be reduced, can resources be added, is the stress time-bound, and will it be reduced in the foreseeable future or will it go on relentlessly with no relief in sight? Who can you talk to in order to shift priorities? Can anything be delegated, postponed, or not done at all? If no help is in sight, you may have to look for another job (never quit one job before finding another, unless you can afford the down time).

Burnout wreaks havoc with our health and should not be allowed to continue for too long unabated.

It’s a different question for burnout at home¾you can’t quit and look for another home with another husband and children who help, are neat, polite, and with enough money for a staff of employees to cook and clean. So, if you have burnout in your own home, get help! Is there a grandmother on your block who will baby-sit in exchange for a small fee? Are there other parents as exhausted as you are with whom you can take turns babysitting each other’s children? If there is a spouse, share chores; if there are older children, teach them how to help.

Both at home and at work, stop every ninety minutes, stretch, drink a cup of tea, sit still for five or ten minutes with you eyes closed, breathe deeply, meditate if you can. Exercising for at least thirty minutes a day helps to reduce stress.

Proper nutrition is critical. Sugar lowers energy levels after an initial short-lived surge. Six to eight hours of sleep are necessary for most people. Don’t watch television until all hours of the night.

Burning the candle at both ends, which many of us do too often, will eventually result in burnout.

Learn to burn that candle one end at a time. The light will last longer.

Lunch with the President

“Mr. President, three years ago I met you at a similar venue and told you then that I worried about you—you answered that you were worried about yourself too—you were a candidate then. I must admit that I have not stopped worrying since and that you are also getting a little too thin.”

This was my opening when I asked the first question at a luncheon held for President Barack Obama last Monday. He laughed and said his wife Michelle agreed with me.

Back in 2007, two weeks after he had announced his candidacy in Springfield, Illinois, Christine Forester, a member of the National Finance Committee, held his first fund raiser in La Jolla in the home of Elizabeth and Mason Phelps. And here we were again, in their home. Mr. Obama remembered that event and thanked them again for opening their lovely house to us all.

The luncheon was held in their large courtyard, covered by a tent, with long tables seating 130 of us. (I counted.) Salads were waiting for us, Chinese noodles over lettuce with pepper and chicken strips catered by Elegant Gourmet. Huge, delicious cookies baked by François, the owner of Girard Gourmet, were decorated with the Obama campaign logo, a circle with a red, white and blue rainbow.

I had expected traffic congestion getting to La Jolla Village Drive and then onto La Jolla Mesa, but the roads were clear as I passed the first check point and arrived at the second checkpoint where there were police on motorcycles and Secret Service agents—all in black suits—who looked into my purse and checked my ID. Golf carts took us the two blocks to the house where a dozen other early arrivals awaited the signal to enter through the large double doors into the foyer. At that third checkpoint we were wanded, and the metal in my hip made it buzz. We waited again until the entrance to the courtyard was flung open to the rows of tables and more black suits surrounding the area.

While we ate our salads, Jared Polis, representative from Colorado and son of Susan and Steve Schutz of La Jolla, spoke to us about the sad state of education in our country. Jared is passionate about the issues facing our nation, he also addressed immigration, trade agreements, the Tea Party and several other topics. He is a wonderful spokesperson for all the things I believe in too and has a great political career in front of him.

We had barely finished our lunches when the President arrived, straight from another such event in San Jose. (He looked fresh. I don’t know how he does it.) His navy-blue suit was impeccable, hopefully the seams were left large enough to make it bigger if he gains the weight back. But then, he’s the President, I guess if the suit becomes too tight, he’ll be able to afford a new one.

A palpable rustle of excitement accompanied his arrival. He really does have a wonderful, contagious smile. He spoke for maybe twenty minutes about the expected topics of immigration, taxes, and healthcare issues, but then said he preferred a discussion. As my seat at the table was a few feet from where he was standing—and I know how to wave my arm—he looked at me and said he would take the first question from the lovely young lady in front of him. I was going to say that I was neither lovely, nor young nor always sure about “lady,” but asked instead about something I was truly wondering about.

I assume, I said, that his staff gives him summaries of all the news media from around the world—he nodded yes—but does he also read in their original the likes of Thomas Freedman, Paul Krugman, Maureen Dowd, David Brooks, and if yes, what kind of impact do these columnist have on him?

He said he does read them and mentioned that both Freedman and Brooks are good friends and agree with him 80% of the time, but that is not what they write about. Controversy is what makes headlines.

Besides the expected questions regarding our national and global issues, one dealt with the idea of installing a water pipeline to go from flooded areas to draught-affected ones. He thought it would be great, but there is no money for the corps of engineers to build such a pipeline.

One question which struck me was asked by Janice Brown. She wanted to know when he would finally get “pissed off.”

“Now,” he said to great applause.

We also found out that his favorite drink is a martini straight up, but only on Friday and Saturday nights. His favorite movies are the two Godfathers, he likes re-reading Shakespeare, Faulkner, and Hemmingway.

Although there were many more hands up for questions, he had to get on his plane for the next event in Los Angeles. We were asked to wait until he left with his motorcade.

There is a special thrill to be in the presence of the President of the United States, something seems to rub off and make us feel a little bit larger, part of a tight community, part of a proud country, and especially for someone like me, an immigrant who came through Ellis Island not speaking English, the fact that “I Talked to the President” was and is awesome.

Talking Too Much or Not Enough

We have all attended meetings disrupted by someone who takes up all the “air time.” We have also been at meetings where one or more participants do not contribute. This is true whether it is a board meeting, a staff meeting, a faculty meeting, or any meeting in law firms, in hospitals, in corporations, in government agencies, and wherever people meet to discuss the business at hand. As a matter of fact, this can also apply to dinner parties.

Strangely enough, the person who talks too much and the person who talks too little may both suffer from the same problem; they just deal with it in opposite ways.

The person who does not speak may feel he or she has nothing of any value to add or may be uncomfortable interrupting if the discussion is flying at a rapid rate and getting one’s two-cents in means jumping in fast.

Often, it is women who worry that what they have to say will be seen as irrelevant or reveal their ignorance. Most men believe they’re doing well unless criticized, while most women believe they’re not doing well unless praised. As positive feedback is not a norm in most places of work, women don’t know how their contributions are received and therefore are not inclined to risk being wrong by opening their mouths.

This behavior begins in kindergarten when a teacher asks a question and all the little boys’ hands go up whether or not they know the answer. The little girls will only raise their hands when they’re sure they know. As a result, boys are called on more often than girls and get to practice their responses more.

Of course, there are always other possibilities: Non-talkers may be bored out of their wits, have other things on their minds, or think the meeting is a waste of time and do not wish to participate in what they consider futile.

On the opposite end of the scale are the people who won’t shut up. Either they take forever to express a thought or think they have something important to add after each comment by others. Often this person is a higher-up and arrogantly believes that it is his prerogative to continually emit his opinion or hold forth ad nauseam.

But, it is also often people who feel lower down on the totem pole and want to show that they are not as inadequate as they believe others perceive them. They keep talking to reassure themselves and others that they are indeed as knowledgeable as the next person.

What to do? If you’re the leader of such a group, your task is to ask the non-talkers for their opinions and reinforce the validity of the contribution by referring to it. After the meeting, the leader can tell the non-participants privately that their contributions were helpful and appreciated. If there is no leader to perform this task, anyone who notices a silent person can engage them and validate what is then being said.

As a leader in a group with an over-ebullient person, your task is more difficult. How do you shut up someone without offending? If you guess it is a person who speaks out because of feeling inferior, you would use the same tactics of reassurance and support and possibly interrupt by asking others’ opinions. If it is a higher-up who won’t stop talking, you can discreetly, after the meeting, ask for suggestions as to better equalize the air time. Perhaps they can be asked to monitor how much others talk and discuss his or her observations with you.

It is almost impossible to tell someone he or she talks too much without offending. But saying that junior members are unwilling to express their thoughts and feel intimidated because the talker always seems to have something to say about everything, might be a strategy. Asking them to help you encourage others to talk more will give them a role. If it’s a junior member, he or she can be asked to take notes.

Generally, people speak too much or too little for reasons that can be elicited. Responding to the underlying need to either express oneself or to withdraw might solve the problem¾at least in the short run. In the long run, you may have to live with the problem.

Some years ago we were members of a monthly dinner group of several very congenial couples. Unfortunately, one member was totally unaware that she was using up all the air time, talking non-stop. We were all equally annoyed and equally unwilling to hurt this person. If she had known how we all felt, she would have been devastated, so we said nothing and just looked at each other with dismay as she rambled on, non-verbally agreeing with each other that this was irritating, but that we were stuck. In other words, that silent group support helped. This can also help in other such situations where it is hopeless to change behaviors.

However, I believe that allowing this to continue is a disservice to an individual who is unaware of the irritation that such behavior causes. The ultimate consequence is that such people will not be asked to join other groups, be they work groups or social gatherings, and will suffer from the inevitable ostracism.

So the kind, even though difficult, thing to do is to take this person aside and ask whether they are aware of talking more than anyone else. Whatever the answer, this behavior is usually unconscious and responds to some psychological need. This can be brought to consciousness and then dealt with more easily. If the individual becomes defensive and refuses to acknowledge their over-the-top participation, the whole group might have to confront the person with examples of the repercussions of their disruptive behavior. It is important to be aware that criticism should always be constructive and offer an opportunity for growth.